let's talk...religion

okay, well I know I might get some flack for this post, but hey, it's my own honest feelings, so whatever. also, funny thing, whenever I start a post, I always think there's not really much to say, but then I keep typing more and more, so who knows what this post will turn into.

Alright, so lets get it out there- my faith in the whole "Christianity" world has pretty much been flatlined. I mean, if I was completely honest, it wasn't really that strong to begin with the last couple years.

Then, my brother was taken from me, and I felt like, "well, what's the point?". Don't get me wrong- I still believe in a higher power. I still believe he works in our lives and that divine design is present in our lives, but all the other mumbo jumbo about christianity? Jesus? Being perfect? Walking this earth? Christians? proving their acts of service to God before gaining entrance to heaven?  The whole Bible is Gods sanctioned word thing but knowing it was really written, twisted, and contorted by men over thousands of years so why should we live our entire live by it? I mean, theres a lot of things I don't agree with in Christianity, but again, if I'm being honest, I was getting cynical about it before ever losing Evan.

Clarification: I'm not saying what you believe is wrong. I'm really just trying to say that we are all entitled to our own thoughts and beliefs and that while we may disagree with each other, we still need to respect each other and our own opinions. I have always loved the word "Tolerance". I am tolerant of what you believe, and I would expect that you would be of what I believe. I think tolerance is a liberal concept overlooked by lots of conservatives. Its something we should all strive to be more often. Less fighting, more love!

So here's the deal: please don't ream me out for my thoughts. My thoughts are my thoughts. And I hate when people start "cyber wars" over issues regarding politics and religion. I just don't have the energy for it. Or is it that I just don't care what you think? Sorry! I'd be more than happy to talk to you about the good things in life that are happening to you, how your family is doing, how your new job is going, what good you did for others and your house projects, blah blah blah. But I'm not going there on certain issues with you. I love you, but I always respect everyone's right to their own beliefs :)

So lets talk about what I DO believe in: I believe in God (or some form of a higher power). I believe in a sovereign power overlooking our lives, keeping us safe, giving us blessings in life, and challenging us to be better versions of ourselves. I believe in a higher power that is loving, yet demanding. I believe in a higher power that won't give us more than we can handle (and thats saying a lot considering what me and my family has been through). I believe that He or She gives us many meaningful learning experiences throughout our lives and that we can either choose to grow from them or be ignorant and stagnant.

Lets talk about what this all has to do with my brother. I believe that God was divinely designing our last few months with Evan. I believe he was giving us that quality time with him before he had to go. I believe that God knew Evan was going to die, but he knew we didn't know. I believe that God DIDN'T choose to take Evan, but that it was "just in the cards". I don't think God would EVER willingly CHOOSE to take our loved ones, but that he will do everything in his power to make the last moments with them count, make them worthwhile, and make them overwhelmingly meaningful. Think about it; every time you hear of someone losing a loved one, don't they always have cool memories to share, memories that all happened in the last couple weeks or months of their life? God planned that; of that I'm sure. He gave us Easter last year with Evan. He gave us our last family trip together to CA with him. He gave mom and dad many opportunities to give him rides back and forth to places, to spend as many special minutes with him as possible. And for that, I thank you, God, for those last blessings.

Lets see...what else. I believe that God gives everyone a "purgatory" period after death and before eternal life. I believe that in those moments of when my brother was looming between this earth and the after life, he was making the decision of whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell. I DON'T believe God decides where an individual goes. I believe the INDIVIDUAL decides- are they going to redeem themselves, and commit to an eternal devotion to the wants and needs of others or are they going to continue to put their needs and wants first, abandoning everyone else's? That decision they make cements where they will spend the rest of eternity. For my brother, I believe he was always a selfless person. Always giving his time and energy into making other people happy, into protecting people that needed protecting, into helping people that needed help. I think it was a decision made easy for him- he was that way in life, of course he would be that way in his after life.

I like to think he got an immediate promotion to guardian angel upon entering heaven. "They" say most people have to prove themselves to get their guardian angel wings, you know, put in their time. Well, I think God knew of Evan's talents from watching him this whole time. I think God gave Evan a job promotion right away :) I know of peoples stories since he's passed that have said they literally saw Evan protecting them from danger. I KNOW he's the Arc Angel Michael's apprentice :)

So. That's that. I know there's probably more I don't believe, or do believe. But I think I got the gist of it.

For now, lets envision my brother, glowing in white, with that adorable crooked smile and beautiful blue-green-gray eyes, smiling down on us, as we go to celebrate life, love, and relationships with each other.

Cause thats the thing about relationships- they don't end once we move on in this world. Like our spirits, they last forever.

God bless.

One of the last pictures taken of my brother. I took this photo while we are all on our last trip together- the last time we were all together as a family, in Napa Valley, CA. This was also the photo we used as the opening to his memorial service. We played it to one of his favorite bands, "Angels and Airwaves". This was/is his last Facebook Profile Picture and will always be so special because it does represent so many "lasts". Now, when I look at the picture, I see him as an angel, at the top of the world, looking down on all of us. With his classic style of course ;)

People have no idea

Hello blog world.

Okay, so...lets talk my new job. After close to exactly 4 years of searching for a teaching job, I finally got hired as a Title 1 teacher in a local school where I live. It really worked out perfectly. I got hired for a position that I originally went back to school to teach: Title 1. Title 1 is a federally funded position, not a state paid position. Low income schools get grants to teach at-risk reading and math students. It is an intensive, last resort intervention before they are up for special ed screening. I provide that last resort instruction for them- I teach small groups of reading and math in 30 minute sessions. I currently teach 3-5th grade and am LOVING it! Finally, it all worked out!

okay, what does that do with my blog? well...its completely a new school system than the one I had been working at. I had been working in the same school system for ... {pause for mental math}... 3 and a half years. Needless to say, I had built up friendships and connections over the years, so they knew all my family history when this all went down in May.

I got hired at this new job in a neighboring school system in December. Started in Jan. My new school? THEY. KNOW. NOTHIN'

note: (with the exception of my Title team, because I felt they needed to know, with how close we all work together...but the rest of the building and teachers? nada.)

they know NOTHING about my history. They know NOTHING about the HELL I've been through the last year. They know NOTHING about my family, my loss, my brother, myself. They know NOTHING about how I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night, or how I miss my brother so much it physically hurts in my chest, or how my longing literally takes my breath away. They know NOTHING about how my parents are coping with the loss of their son, how they go by day to day, with a pain so hard to bear that it would crush the strongest of men. They know NOTHING of how much pain it brought to my sister, so much that she had to move across country to be with her family again, because she was alone, out across the country, and not with us, when she needed it most. They know NOTHING of the fights me and my husband have had, words exchanged with each other, words we wish we wouldn't of said, yet words we knew were healing in the end, all in the name of anguish and grief...

They
know
nothing.

I don't know how I feel about that. Its really kind of an odd feeling. I mean, NO ONE knows NOTHING about my personal tragedy this last year. In a way, its sort of freeing. HERE I AM, NEW SCHOOL! I'M HERE TO TAKE ON THE WORLD! NOTHING'S STOPPING ME!

or {depending on the day}:

here i am new school
i'm falling apart today
i can't function
because i've got so many emotions
and you know nothing
and i've got no one to confide in
in my moment of despair
so
i'm on
my own

Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions. but that's the life of a person who's dealing with grief. as forrest gump said: "life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you are going to get."

a grieving persons life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what kind of emotions you are going to get, when you'll get them, or where. you just gotta....

go...

on.

To remain: I know the secret will get out...eventually. Because, let's face it, it's inevitable. But I'm curious as to who it will be too, what will bring it up, and when it will happen. Also...will I cry? Or will time help solidify my emotions when that dreadful subject will come up?

__________________________________


I miss you. Do you realize how often I think about you still? Do you realize how ingrained in every facet of my life you are? Do you hear my prayers at night? To keep us safe, and protected?
Do you watch me,
think of me,
miss me?

'Cause I sure do...

Its been awhile

So, first I got busy.

Then I forgot my password.

Then, I got busy. {again}.

Story of a bloggers life, right?

I'm just glad I am able to login again and have a place to write my thoughts down.

What thoughts? uh....yeah....about that.

The last time I blogged was in September I think. How's my grief journey been, you ask? Uh...its just a little ironic that blogging is about getting out your thoughts and feelings, and that I, uh, haven't really had much thoughts or feelings. I mean, if I were to pick a list of words that describe my grief journey in the last few months it'd probably go something like this:

void. for the most part- emotionless. experience outside myself. did that really happen? if it did, how come I'm still a fully functioning person? disbelief. shock (still). hard to accept reality (still). is he really forever gone (still)? missing him an UNBELIEVABLY immense amount. to the point of physical hurt and longing.

but-
time goes on. yet my experiences stay the same.

I want to say I want to pour out my emotions to you, I'm a wreck inside still, I can barely get out of bed, yada yada. but that just not true. if anything, I'm just...

...

being.

i live my life. do the work thing. do the wife thing. do the daughter, sister, friend thing. I just...be. Just like my life before all this happened. I don't get when people say their lives are turned upside down. Yes, I have had my moments of gut wrenching, utter despair, and IN THOSE MOMENTS ONLY I feel like my life has been turned upside down. But AS A WHOLE, AS A MAJORITY,

my
life
continues
on.

They say Time Heals.

I guess they are right.

but I still can't believe it ever happened.

and its been 10 months.

some pictures

That last posts have been heavy, so I want to add some pictures of my brother. I have always been a picture person. While I don't have the sheer photographical talent my brother and sister have, I have always loved and appreciated them. (Which is why I hired one of the best wedding photographers in the area for my wedding) :) Evan may be gone, but his pictures remain. Let me share some with you. Most of these pictures are birthday celebrations, in honor of his birthday this past week. He would've been 22. More pictures of that celebration to come.

He was about 15 here.

Same day. He was a goofball.

another birthday celebration of his and Kelly's. 15? 16?

From teen to man. About 19 here? With his beloved macbook.

A very special memory. His and Kelly's birthday celebration two years ago this weekend at Stuckey Farms.

my birthday celebration a few years ago. He was 17.

always so full of life.

Stuckey Farms Birthday Celebration. Fall 2010.

I love his smile here :)

Kelly's graduation party just last summer!

so handsome, right? :)

him and his girlfriend. 

the only picture we have of him holding his niece, Summer 2011.

another birthday celebration.

just this last Christmas, 2011.

same graduation party. summer 2011. notice my grandpa here too. this is the last picture I have of both my brother and grandpa in the same picture. I will treasure it forever.

god love him. 

No visitations

Evan, why have you not visited me? Why have you not come to me? I need you so. I need to see you again. I need to hear your voice again. I know its not possible, but I need one of your amazing bear hugs again. I need to feel your arms around me.

I woke up this morning at around 6 am. On a Sunday. Both you and I know how rare that is. I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was you. I was missing you so much it hurt. My mind hurt. My heart hurt. My breath was taken away. And I yearned for you. I yearned for you so much. For your touch. Your laugh. Your smile.

I need to see you again. I need to hear you again. But I'm scared.

I can't walk through my house without the lights on. I can't open my eyes when I toss and turn at night in case you are standing there. I can't be the first one to walk down the hall at night. I make Eric go first and light my way.

How can I be so scared to see you yet want to see you so much at the same time?

I guess in my perfect world you would visit me in a dream, not in spirit form in my home. But I know thats ridiculous. I can't choose how you come to me. All I can do is get over my fear of seeing you so that you feel like you can come visit me in whatever way you want too. I will try to work on that, little dear brother. The other night I thought about getting up out of bed and just sitting at one end of the hallway in the dark, waiting for you. Why is the hallway the scariest place in my house? I don't know. But I'm tempted to face my fears head on.

The other day I was driving home from work and I had the most horrible thought. I almost ran off the road it hurt so bad. Have you not come to visit me because I'm not worth your time? Am I not important enough to you? Are there other places, more important people, more pressing things to do than to visit me, your sister? I can't help but think so. And when this thought hit me, it was like running into a brick wall. And it wasn't in question form. It was a statement. Like the devil himself ascended down on me and whispered into my ear, "You aren't important to him." I started balling right then and there in my car. So I am doubting myself big time right now. Is that why you haven't visited me? That is the worst thing imaginable to me, and I don't know what I would do with myself if that were the case. I'm pleading with you brother, to show me that it is not so.

Like I said, I need to see you. Hear you. Feel you. I need you.

Remorse

Lately I've been feeling lots of remorse. I felt remorse about my brothers and my relationship when he was alive and I feel remorse when he's passed. Let me preface this post by saying our relationship was 100 times better in the last 3 years than it was his whole life before that. After our family went through intensive counseling and therapy together in 2009 our whole family formed a new bond, a closer bond, an unbreakable bond.

But as things tend to happen, that bond was slowly loosened as the months went by. I mean, I think we always appreciated each other and had a renewed sense of love for each other, we never again would take each other for granted. But we did lose touch. We did stop talking unless it was in person (which I only saw him about every month or two). That part kills me. We lived in the same damn city! Granted, our two homes were about as far away as you can get in the city. I live in Greenwood, he lived on the NW side. Thats about 50 minutes away. But thats still no excuse. I think what makes my remorse so great is that I KNEW how special he was to me and I CHOSE not to do anything about it, to preserve my relationship with him. I just let it stay stagnant, rather than cultivate and grow our relationship even further. In my mind, our relationship was great compared to before, so I let it be. I should've never compared, I should've continued to make it even better. Thats what makes my remorse so great.

I also feel remorse about how I interacted with him. Now I could possibly be overreacting, as people in grief tend to do, but I am constantly feeling guilty with how I interacted with him. I curse myself for being strict with him. For challenging him. For making him question my belief in him (which I never did). I knew he was capable of great things, but perhaps I pushed him too hard to accomplish those great things. I just wanted to push him, to encourage him to push himself, to make up for lost time (he started college a couple years late). I wanted to push him to continue his college education even when he wanted to quit and make it on his own. I think he thought I didn't think he could make it on his own. I think he thought I thought that he would be nothing without an education. And damn myself for not even entertaining the possibility that he could make it on his own. And damn myself for not giving him more credit to accomplish that on his own. If I had only known that he would no longer be with us, would I have changed my interactions, my expectations, my beliefs about him?

Curse it all. I can't believe how hard I was on him. And I'll never forgive myself for it. Curse myself and my educator status. Curse myself and my high standards, not only for myself, but for my students, and for anyone getting an education. Curse myself for not realizing Evan was not one of my students. He was my g*damn brother. Curse myself for not realizing this when he was alive, but realizing this and regretting this all too late.

If you were here, I would let you find your own way rather than me pushing you to find the way in which I thought was best for you.

I hope you forgive me.



_________________________________________________________________________

UPDATE:
Wow, I just checked my email and look what was waiting for me in my inbox. This couldn't me a more perfect email in response to what I've just written above. Creepy? Or God?

gratitude/details/life on loan

i'm exhausted, so you won't see much effort invested into this blog post, but i am inundated with things i need to get off my chest so here goes.

it pisses me off when i hear people complaining about their lives. don't they realize it could be so much worse? and i only realize that because my life IS so much worse than theirs. I would never say that to their face though. I only think it, which doesn't make my recovery any better. i mean really. so you have sinus problems, you are busy planning your daughters wedding, you are planning your own wedding, you have a crappy job, you are stressed, you have relationship problems, WHATEVER. Just shut up. people are so self involved. its all about them and it so about them they can't even see that it could get so much worse. i'm done with pity parties. ironically, i am feeling this at the same time matthew perry made a  contest out of whose grief is worse on his new show, Go On. I couldn't help but relate ;)

second, details. it has been so long (yeah, right) since his death that i've forgotten that some people still don't know basic details of his death. for a long while, the family wasn't ready to talk about them, so we just said car accident. thank you all for respecting us enough and loving us enough to simply take that answer as is. for the rest of you, go ahead and gossip all you want. we know the honest details of his death. here they are: evan died of brain trauma. he was brain dead upon arrival at the hospital (which was literally just around the corner). that happened at around 10:30 i believe. how did he get such injuries? evan was riding a car. no, he wasn't in it. he was riding it. he wasn't on top, but was leaning against the windshield. he was on the car for far too long and the car was going far too fast (even 1 mph would have been too fast for having a human on it). and yes, he was completely sober. not high. not drunk. nothing but recklessness, nothing but evan. evan made to jump off the car (slide is a better word) when he saw police cars off the side of the road. he knew he'd get yelled at. as he was getting off, the car was pulling over. we think the laws of physics apply here. for every action there is a reaction or something like that ;) evan was sliding off as the car was pulling over and it threw him off the car. his big heavy art bag he had slung over his shoulder didn't help even out the weight either. his head smacked down on the concrete, perfectly hitting the brain stem in the moment of impact. not the side, not the front, just that perfect sweet spot in the back. at the base of your neck, the stem of the brain. responsible for every well being trait in your body. it took about three minutes for him to become throughly brain dead. there was no hope, but there was no pain either. it was quick and painless. the way everyone hopes a loved one dies, right? hah. thats just sordid. by the time the paramedics arrived, they knew there was no hope as well as the neurosurgeons at the hospital. they didn't even attempt emergency surgery to losen the skull (which had multiple fractures, by the way). by the time we got to the hospital, they had already had him on life support. every one knew. i knew. dad knew. mom was in denial. later, in the following weeks and months, we would be in denial as well that he was truly gone. i still am sometimes. the only consoling thought at the fricking hospital was that i could have a few days to say goodbye, that they could sustain him as long we as needed. again, there were no injuries anywhere else on his body (i mean other than the road rash). he lungs were fine, his heart was fine, etc. his injuries were solely head trauma. i'll never forget how he looked in that hospital bed. he still had his hair and his perfect lips and his adorable poteet nose. but his gorgeous eyes? gone, buried under the mass of the brain pushing through his skull. (sorry if that was too much, but this is for me, not you). that was so scaring, what i wouldn't give to look in his gorgeous almond shaped green eyes again (sometimes they were blue, sometimes they were even grey). and what i wouldn't give to say goodbye to him alive, not brain dead. i got to do that with my grandpa. i got to do that all weekend with him. but he died painfully, from pancreatic cancer. why can't my loved ones die with both closure and no pain? why one or the other? anyways, i digress. we thought they could keep him on life support until at least my sister came in on the next flight from california. we were wrong. we had 5 hours with him before the nurse said we should come in and say goodbye. he was already braindead, though, we knew he wasn't there. but know not even life support could sustain him he was that bad. we called in the grandparents to say goodbye. i'll never forget that. i think my grandpa (who had already had developed the cancer but didn't know it yet) lost his spirit that morning he saw his grandson on his deathbed. i've never seen him so broken. he was a fighter his whole life. i've never seen my grandmothers cry like that either. they are both very strong and confident and independent women. both were broken as well. after that, we waited around until they did the ink blot test, to scan for any remaining brain activity. thats why his date of death is officially may 4, because they did the test at 9 am. he was technically dead at 10:30 pm on may 3, 2012. the only consolation from this whole thing was that they were able to donate ALL of his organs. that is so rare. his heart, my own brothers heart, went to a 14 year old boy. if thats not touching i don't know what is.

i could talk for days about those days in the hospital (yes, days). i will never forget those days for as long as i live. i will never forget the smell either. how towards the end the room stunk of death. the blood seeping was too much for me to handle, it was all i could do not to vomit in the room. i will never forget how sallow he looked either. but then when they harvested his organs, kept his vitals up for a couple days for prep for donation, he looked so rosy and full of life. but he was dead. isn't that the biggest case of irony you've ever heard of? how can someone whose dead look so full of life? ugh, its twisted. just twisted.

okay, moving on. lets talk about evans life on loan. for a while now i have felt like evans life was literally on loan from God. most people don't know he was born with a hole in his lungs. i mean, from the very first day of his life he was in the intensive care unit. in the very last days of his life he was in the intensive care unit. from his early days to his last days, evan had too many close calls with life versus death. i had originally wrote them down, but my list is gone. i can mainly think of his using years in his teenage hood. while it was never shooting up, he did alter his state and do stupid stuff. he was reckless. he was in one very serious car crash when he was 17, that catapulted him into rehab. now, looking back, i realize now (as he had often stated in the last year or two) that he wasn't an addict.  or maybe he was at that point in time. but i think really he was just an immature teenager who was making consistently wrong choices with the wrong people, and was in such a lifestyle he couldn't pull himself out. now, as a man, he made his choices, much different than the choices he made as a teenager. he did enjoy his alcohol, but what 21 year old wouldn't? ;) okay, so aside from his reckless teenage years, then came the crazy ass driving. again, reckless. he thought he was invincible, just like my dad. he was a horrible driver. there was a series of 4-5 accidents in 2 and a half years i think? he was lucky to come alive out of all them. again, why did he not die then? God gave us more time with him. God let us have just a little more time with our brother, with our son, with our friend. But God knew it was only a matter of time. We didn't. We were shocked when the accident happened. God wasn't. God did give us quality time together in his last couple months of life, although we didn't see it until after the fact. Hindsight is 20/20, right? I don't know if it was God's choice or not, but God was definitely trying to "soften the blow". Not that that really helped. Anyways, Evan should have died many times over. Evans life was on loan. God let us lease him for 21 years before calling him back Home.

This leads me into another topic- Premonition. I think this post is too long and i am too tired to go into it now. Will save for another entry. Until then, remember, don't take life for granted and count your blessings.

Tears

Im exhausted, but cant sleep.

I may have had my biggest cry yet just now.

I mean, not just crying. Not just whimpers, not even sobbing. I mean, wailing, moaning, groaning that comes from the inner most parts of my heart broken, shattered and shred to pieces soul.

I scared my dog and confused the heck out of my husband.

It did just happen in the middle ofthe night after all.

This week has been so bad. My dad says he has his worst grief in the mornings, but for me, it is by far amd away worse at night. After my house is asleep,when i am reading my book. Then out of my own control, i cant stop thinking about them. They come to visit me in my mind. The haunt me. I am being forced to think about them and cant stop. They are on my mind and wont go away until i break down into tears. Then i am so exhausted by the time i cry it out that i am empty vast and void, emotion and feelings are wiped clear and i am just....there. Then i fall asleep.

Tonight was the worst bc it was the first time i mourned for not just my brother, but my grandpa as well. That was a double whammy.

Lets see if i can somehow manage sleep now.

 Good night world. Good night evan. Good night grandpa. May your spirits leave me in peace.