Evan, why have you not visited me? Why have you not come to me? I need you so. I need to see you again. I need to hear your voice again. I know its not possible, but I need one of your amazing bear hugs again. I need to feel your arms around me.
I woke up this morning at around 6 am. On a Sunday. Both you and I know how rare that is. I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was you. I was missing you so much it hurt. My mind hurt. My heart hurt. My breath was taken away. And I yearned for you. I yearned for you so much. For your touch. Your laugh. Your smile.
I need to see you again. I need to hear you again. But I'm scared.
I can't walk through my house without the lights on. I can't open my eyes when I toss and turn at night in case you are standing there. I can't be the first one to walk down the hall at night. I make Eric go first and light my way.
How can I be so scared to see you yet want to see you so much at the same time?
I guess in my perfect world you would visit me in a dream, not in spirit form in my home. But I know thats ridiculous. I can't choose how you come to me. All I can do is get over my fear of seeing you so that you feel like you can come visit me in whatever way you want too. I will try to work on that, little dear brother. The other night I thought about getting up out of bed and just sitting at one end of the hallway in the dark, waiting for you. Why is the hallway the scariest place in my house? I don't know. But I'm tempted to face my fears head on.
The other day I was driving home from work and I had the most horrible thought. I almost ran off the road it hurt so bad. Have you not come to visit me because I'm not worth your time? Am I not important enough to you? Are there other places, more important people, more pressing things to do than to visit me, your sister? I can't help but think so. And when this thought hit me, it was like running into a brick wall. And it wasn't in question form. It was a statement. Like the devil himself ascended down on me and whispered into my ear, "You aren't important to him." I started balling right then and there in my car. So I am doubting myself big time right now. Is that why you haven't visited me? That is the worst thing imaginable to me, and I don't know what I would do with myself if that were the case. I'm pleading with you brother, to show me that it is not so.
Like I said, I need to see you. Hear you. Feel you. I need you.
Shannon, you & I are in so much the same place on this! I try to remember that he is in Heaven now, and in Heaven, he has a specific purpose and "job", and that isn't coming back to earth and making contact with us. Heaven is sooooo incredibly awesome we can't imagine it accurately, but i know he is thrilled with everything he is experiencing up there. I think his spirit may make a rare visit on earth now & then, but for the most part, he is totally preoccupied where he is. Hope that helps. Love you, doll.
ReplyDelete