let's talk...religion

okay, well I know I might get some flack for this post, but hey, it's my own honest feelings, so whatever. also, funny thing, whenever I start a post, I always think there's not really much to say, but then I keep typing more and more, so who knows what this post will turn into.

Alright, so lets get it out there- my faith in the whole "Christianity" world has pretty much been flatlined. I mean, if I was completely honest, it wasn't really that strong to begin with the last couple years.

Then, my brother was taken from me, and I felt like, "well, what's the point?". Don't get me wrong- I still believe in a higher power. I still believe he works in our lives and that divine design is present in our lives, but all the other mumbo jumbo about christianity? Jesus? Being perfect? Walking this earth? Christians? proving their acts of service to God before gaining entrance to heaven?  The whole Bible is Gods sanctioned word thing but knowing it was really written, twisted, and contorted by men over thousands of years so why should we live our entire live by it? I mean, theres a lot of things I don't agree with in Christianity, but again, if I'm being honest, I was getting cynical about it before ever losing Evan.

Clarification: I'm not saying what you believe is wrong. I'm really just trying to say that we are all entitled to our own thoughts and beliefs and that while we may disagree with each other, we still need to respect each other and our own opinions. I have always loved the word "Tolerance". I am tolerant of what you believe, and I would expect that you would be of what I believe. I think tolerance is a liberal concept overlooked by lots of conservatives. Its something we should all strive to be more often. Less fighting, more love!

So here's the deal: please don't ream me out for my thoughts. My thoughts are my thoughts. And I hate when people start "cyber wars" over issues regarding politics and religion. I just don't have the energy for it. Or is it that I just don't care what you think? Sorry! I'd be more than happy to talk to you about the good things in life that are happening to you, how your family is doing, how your new job is going, what good you did for others and your house projects, blah blah blah. But I'm not going there on certain issues with you. I love you, but I always respect everyone's right to their own beliefs :)

So lets talk about what I DO believe in: I believe in God (or some form of a higher power). I believe in a sovereign power overlooking our lives, keeping us safe, giving us blessings in life, and challenging us to be better versions of ourselves. I believe in a higher power that is loving, yet demanding. I believe in a higher power that won't give us more than we can handle (and thats saying a lot considering what me and my family has been through). I believe that He or She gives us many meaningful learning experiences throughout our lives and that we can either choose to grow from them or be ignorant and stagnant.

Lets talk about what this all has to do with my brother. I believe that God was divinely designing our last few months with Evan. I believe he was giving us that quality time with him before he had to go. I believe that God knew Evan was going to die, but he knew we didn't know. I believe that God DIDN'T choose to take Evan, but that it was "just in the cards". I don't think God would EVER willingly CHOOSE to take our loved ones, but that he will do everything in his power to make the last moments with them count, make them worthwhile, and make them overwhelmingly meaningful. Think about it; every time you hear of someone losing a loved one, don't they always have cool memories to share, memories that all happened in the last couple weeks or months of their life? God planned that; of that I'm sure. He gave us Easter last year with Evan. He gave us our last family trip together to CA with him. He gave mom and dad many opportunities to give him rides back and forth to places, to spend as many special minutes with him as possible. And for that, I thank you, God, for those last blessings.

Lets see...what else. I believe that God gives everyone a "purgatory" period after death and before eternal life. I believe that in those moments of when my brother was looming between this earth and the after life, he was making the decision of whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell. I DON'T believe God decides where an individual goes. I believe the INDIVIDUAL decides- are they going to redeem themselves, and commit to an eternal devotion to the wants and needs of others or are they going to continue to put their needs and wants first, abandoning everyone else's? That decision they make cements where they will spend the rest of eternity. For my brother, I believe he was always a selfless person. Always giving his time and energy into making other people happy, into protecting people that needed protecting, into helping people that needed help. I think it was a decision made easy for him- he was that way in life, of course he would be that way in his after life.

I like to think he got an immediate promotion to guardian angel upon entering heaven. "They" say most people have to prove themselves to get their guardian angel wings, you know, put in their time. Well, I think God knew of Evan's talents from watching him this whole time. I think God gave Evan a job promotion right away :) I know of peoples stories since he's passed that have said they literally saw Evan protecting them from danger. I KNOW he's the Arc Angel Michael's apprentice :)

So. That's that. I know there's probably more I don't believe, or do believe. But I think I got the gist of it.

For now, lets envision my brother, glowing in white, with that adorable crooked smile and beautiful blue-green-gray eyes, smiling down on us, as we go to celebrate life, love, and relationships with each other.

Cause thats the thing about relationships- they don't end once we move on in this world. Like our spirits, they last forever.

God bless.

One of the last pictures taken of my brother. I took this photo while we are all on our last trip together- the last time we were all together as a family, in Napa Valley, CA. This was also the photo we used as the opening to his memorial service. We played it to one of his favorite bands, "Angels and Airwaves". This was/is his last Facebook Profile Picture and will always be so special because it does represent so many "lasts". Now, when I look at the picture, I see him as an angel, at the top of the world, looking down on all of us. With his classic style of course ;)

People have no idea

Hello blog world.

Okay, so...lets talk my new job. After close to exactly 4 years of searching for a teaching job, I finally got hired as a Title 1 teacher in a local school where I live. It really worked out perfectly. I got hired for a position that I originally went back to school to teach: Title 1. Title 1 is a federally funded position, not a state paid position. Low income schools get grants to teach at-risk reading and math students. It is an intensive, last resort intervention before they are up for special ed screening. I provide that last resort instruction for them- I teach small groups of reading and math in 30 minute sessions. I currently teach 3-5th grade and am LOVING it! Finally, it all worked out!

okay, what does that do with my blog? well...its completely a new school system than the one I had been working at. I had been working in the same school system for ... {pause for mental math}... 3 and a half years. Needless to say, I had built up friendships and connections over the years, so they knew all my family history when this all went down in May.

I got hired at this new job in a neighboring school system in December. Started in Jan. My new school? THEY. KNOW. NOTHIN'

note: (with the exception of my Title team, because I felt they needed to know, with how close we all work together...but the rest of the building and teachers? nada.)

they know NOTHING about my history. They know NOTHING about the HELL I've been through the last year. They know NOTHING about my family, my loss, my brother, myself. They know NOTHING about how I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night, or how I miss my brother so much it physically hurts in my chest, or how my longing literally takes my breath away. They know NOTHING about how my parents are coping with the loss of their son, how they go by day to day, with a pain so hard to bear that it would crush the strongest of men. They know NOTHING of how much pain it brought to my sister, so much that she had to move across country to be with her family again, because she was alone, out across the country, and not with us, when she needed it most. They know NOTHING of the fights me and my husband have had, words exchanged with each other, words we wish we wouldn't of said, yet words we knew were healing in the end, all in the name of anguish and grief...

They
know
nothing.

I don't know how I feel about that. Its really kind of an odd feeling. I mean, NO ONE knows NOTHING about my personal tragedy this last year. In a way, its sort of freeing. HERE I AM, NEW SCHOOL! I'M HERE TO TAKE ON THE WORLD! NOTHING'S STOPPING ME!

or {depending on the day}:

here i am new school
i'm falling apart today
i can't function
because i've got so many emotions
and you know nothing
and i've got no one to confide in
in my moment of despair
so
i'm on
my own

Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions. but that's the life of a person who's dealing with grief. as forrest gump said: "life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you are going to get."

a grieving persons life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what kind of emotions you are going to get, when you'll get them, or where. you just gotta....

go...

on.

To remain: I know the secret will get out...eventually. Because, let's face it, it's inevitable. But I'm curious as to who it will be too, what will bring it up, and when it will happen. Also...will I cry? Or will time help solidify my emotions when that dreadful subject will come up?

__________________________________


I miss you. Do you realize how often I think about you still? Do you realize how ingrained in every facet of my life you are? Do you hear my prayers at night? To keep us safe, and protected?
Do you watch me,
think of me,
miss me?

'Cause I sure do...

Its been awhile

So, first I got busy.

Then I forgot my password.

Then, I got busy. {again}.

Story of a bloggers life, right?

I'm just glad I am able to login again and have a place to write my thoughts down.

What thoughts? uh....yeah....about that.

The last time I blogged was in September I think. How's my grief journey been, you ask? Uh...its just a little ironic that blogging is about getting out your thoughts and feelings, and that I, uh, haven't really had much thoughts or feelings. I mean, if I were to pick a list of words that describe my grief journey in the last few months it'd probably go something like this:

void. for the most part- emotionless. experience outside myself. did that really happen? if it did, how come I'm still a fully functioning person? disbelief. shock (still). hard to accept reality (still). is he really forever gone (still)? missing him an UNBELIEVABLY immense amount. to the point of physical hurt and longing.

but-
time goes on. yet my experiences stay the same.

I want to say I want to pour out my emotions to you, I'm a wreck inside still, I can barely get out of bed, yada yada. but that just not true. if anything, I'm just...

...

being.

i live my life. do the work thing. do the wife thing. do the daughter, sister, friend thing. I just...be. Just like my life before all this happened. I don't get when people say their lives are turned upside down. Yes, I have had my moments of gut wrenching, utter despair, and IN THOSE MOMENTS ONLY I feel like my life has been turned upside down. But AS A WHOLE, AS A MAJORITY,

my
life
continues
on.

They say Time Heals.

I guess they are right.

but I still can't believe it ever happened.

and its been 10 months.