What Not To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

To follow up with the last post, I thought I would provide a list of things NOT to say to someone who is dealing with the loss of a loved one. These also came from hopeforthebrokenhearted.com. As someone who has grieved, I can say that I can relate extremely well to these comments and how they can easily be taken the wrong way even when the intent was not to harm.

COMMENTS TO AVOID WHEN COMFORTING THE GRIEVING

"I know how you feel"

One can never know how another may feel. You may have a similar loss but it does not relate to the uniqueness of the individual relationship. An example...two people may have both lost their mothers, but one had a good relationship, the other an abusive relationship...they will feel very differently about losing their mother.  Also, comparing your dog dying to someone losing their grandmother is not the same at all!!! You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels. If you have experienced the same type of loss  (i.e, loss of  a child/parent/spouse) feel free to share some of your feelings/insights. It may make the grieving person feel understood and less alone in their grief, but keep in mind, their approach to their grief may be different than yours. If they start talking, don't change the subject, listen while they share. Commenting is not always necessary. What they want most is to share and be heard.

"Time heals all wounds." 

This isn't true...time just passes... it's the action steps you take while the time is passing that determines how you move forward with healing... We all know people who many years after a loss are still grieving...if time alone healed, then everyone would be healed after a certain amount of time had passed and we know that just isn't the case.

"Stop crying; you’re only making it worse.” 

Expressing emotions, even strongly if so inclined, is a natural, normal, and healthy reaction to death and loss. To try to bottle up emotions that you feel for the sake of others, will only cause resentment and prolong a person's grief.

“You should let your emotions out or you’ll feel worse later.” 

It’s also normal for some people to not cry; not showing outward emotions doesn't mean the
person is grieving less. We all grieve differently.                                                                                   

“At least he’s not suffering anymore.” "At least he died happy," "At least it was quick"

These are all remarks that, while true, avoid one simple thing..... they don't address the fact that the person you're talking to is in pain!  Regardless of the circumstances of the death, the bereaved person is still suffering and must grieve. 

"Be Strong"   

Such statements imply that it’s wrong to feel grief, Grief is the normal and natural response to loss. God created us to grieve. It is necessary to our healing. People need to fully express their grief before they can heal. Telling someone to pull herself together quickly isn't helpful

Everything happens for a reason.                                                                                                          

When you lose someone you love, it’s difficult to agree that his death was part of some grand plan. We have to be careful not to make assumptions, as everyone reacts differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss and available support, Skip clichés like this and instead give the mourner some space to find their own answers.

“It’s been [six months, one year, etc.]; it’s time to move on.”                                                                

People never "get over", or "move on"  from losing a loved one. You just learn to live with the loss. Our relationship doesn't end just because they are no longer physically present with us. They will always be our parent/spouse/child etc...We will always love them and our lives will never be the same once we have lost someone we love...things won't go "back to normal."...there is a new normal you now live in...a life without a loved one in it. I use the example of someone who has lost a limb to amputation. You can go on and live a full and productive life after you have learned to adapt to your loss. You physically heal, and get to the point where you no longer have physical pain and learn to cope and function with that part that is missing...but you are always aware that part of you is missing, even though you have healed.  Setting a deadline for mourning is insensitive and does little to help people learn to live through their loss. A person should also understand that grief can rise up on birthdays and holidays and from other reminders. 

“God must have wanted or needed her.” 

No mortal can purport to know God’s purpose.                                                                                            

“At least he was old enough to live a full life.”                                                                                         

How old is old “enough?”  Some people think when someone lives to a ripe old age, there’s no cause for grieving when they pass away. But “the mourner is likely thinking, ‘However long I had my loved one wasn't long enough. Gratitude for that long life will come later, but in the beginning, there’s only the agony of loss.                                                                                                                                                    

“Don’t dwell on it.”                                                                                                                                       

It’s normal and natural — as well as helpful — to talk about the person who died. Don't think that if you mention the name of their loved one that you will remind the grieving person of their loss or pain. They are thinking about their loved one constantly whether you mention them or not. Do make a point of using their loved ones name rather than avoiding it. To not mention their name is one of the most painful things for a grieving person. 

"Just let it go",  or "Just let go and let God"                                                                                            

These terms don't apply to death and loss. We can't let go of  the memory of someone whom we have loved. They were part of our lives and we will always carry those memories with us. We can as part of the grieving/healing process, learn to let go of our pain and move forward from it with God's help. We can learn to accept the things we can't change, but grieving must take place before we can do such things. 

 "It's part of God's plan," "It was God's Will" 

These phrases can make people angry. Their grief can cause them to see this as something to be angry at God for. These cliches attempt to minimize or explain the death and the death may raise serious questions about God's role in the this event for the griever. Do not presume to offer answers. It may not reflect what the grieving person is feeling at the moment. It's not our place to make a judgment about the death. All they see is pain right now, not how this can be used for good (Romans 8:28) ... especially if they do not have a particularly strong faith or if they prayed believing God was going to make everything okay and it didn't happen.

"Look at what you have to be thankful for."                                                                                               

They know they have things to be thankful for. Grieving is a natural response to loss and it it must take place for a person to heal. A person can grieve and still be thankful for all the good things in their life.

"Get on your knees", "Just pray about it" "Just have faith"                                                                          

To grieve does not mean a person does not have faith. Jesus was known as a "man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief." Jesus wept. God says He is near to the brokenhearted and promises to bind their wounds. The Bible says there is a time to weep...to say that someone lacks faith because they grieve, is un-scriptural and is damaging. We can encourage the grieving to look to God for comfort and strength, but we must say things with compassion...not preaching...a griever's brain is usually, tired, numb, overwhelmed, low on endorphin's and serotonin, which makes their processing diminished and their tolerance threshold diminished as well. Kindness and compassion should be the overwhelming things that you convey to someone that is grieving.

"He's in a better place now."  "They are in heaven now, you shouldn't be sad"                                        

Yes, this is true. But any parent who has lost a child can tell you that they would like to hold their child now. To enjoy them now, and watch them grow up, now. They know where their child is, but for right now, it’s so hard to be glad about it. When someone who is grieving hears that, they think, ‘a better place for my loved one is here, so why should I agree he should be elsewhere?’ 

"This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life."                                                                         

The loss of a loved one will "never be behind you"...it's something you just learn to live with and will always carry with you to some extent. Sometimes the grieving are resistant to getting on with their life after a period of time, because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one, or they might feel guilty for enjoying life while their loved one was not given that same opportunity. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace. Everyone grieves differently and if there are multiple losses at one time, there is more to grieve and adapt to. Also, if a person has not dealt with previous losses, they will be dealing with those at the same time as their current loss. 

Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will."                                                                           

These statements sound to authoritative. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about  . . ." or "You might. . ." Don't be judgmental bout the things a grieving person says or does. They may choose to grieve in ways that you wouldn't...and unless you have experienced a similar loss, you really don't know how you would react in the same situation. Decisions a griever makes about things like displaying or removing photos, reliving the death, idealizing the loved one, expressing anger or guilt may appear extreme to you, but these patterns of behavior can be perfectly normal following a person's death.

Don't try to find just the right words that will take away the pain.  Especially when the loss is new, nothing you say (or do) will lessen their pain.  Just be there and say "I don't know what to say... I can't begin to know how you are feeling, but I just want you to know that I love you and I care and I am praying for you." 

And to add one of my own: "don't let yourself go there". 

We cannot choose when a wave of grief will hit. Trust me, I don't want to cry in the middle of work or in front of my friends. But that is out of my control- I don't decide when I get sad and therefore cannot control "if I go there or not". The tide of grief is too strong. Just understanding that and empathizing with me will help when that moment comes.

- See more at: http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-is-grieving/#sthash.dwAFEn8r.dpuf

How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving

A little excerpt I found on hopeforthebrokenhearted.com. Some very good advice here if you are wanting tangible ways to help others who are grieving.

HOW TO HELP OTHERS

Almost everyone worries about what to say to people who are grieving. But knowing how to listen is much more important. You don't have to fill up periods of silence with words that you feel might rationalize their loss. Let them express what they are feeling whether it's anger, if they have questions, the pain, disbelief, or any guilt they may be experiencing. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person. However, the grieving need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it's not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won't be forgotten.

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it's important to let the griever know they have permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don't steer away from the subject if the deceased's name comes up. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions – without being nosy – that invites the grieving person to openly express his or her feelings. Try simply asking, "Do you feel like talking?"

• Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it's okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don't try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn't feel. The griever should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism. Remember, everyone grieves differently...on different time tables and everyone's grief and experiences are unique.
• Be willing to sit in silence. Don't press if the grieving person doesn't feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. All that is necessary is a squeeze of the hand, a kiss, a hug, your presence. If you want to say something, say, "I'm sorry" or "I care".
• Let the griever talk about how their loved one died or their story of loss. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is usually, a way of processing and accepting their new reality.
• Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the griever that what they're feeling is okay. If you've gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don't give unsolicited advice, claim to "know" what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs. I have heard of people telling someone, "I know how you feel losing your grandmother, my cat just died." Yes, they are both losses, but hardly the same and this definitely, will not make a grieving person feel better!
• Don't be afraid to cry openly if you were close to the deceased. Often the grieving find themselves comforting you, but at the same time they understand your tears and don't feel so alone in their grief. When there is a divorce, it not only affects the immediate family, but also friends and extended family. There is a ripple effect in the loss and many may be grieving a loss associated with a divorce.
• The griever may ask "WHY?" It is often a cry of pain rather than a question. It is not necessary to answer, but if you do, you may reply "I don't know why." It's better to not say anything that to give pat, cliche answers!
• Recognize that the griever may be angry. They may be angry at God, the person who died, the person that left, the clergy, doctors, rescue teams, other family members, etc. Encourage them to acknowledge their anger and to find healthy ways of handling it.
• Be aware that a grieving person's self-esteem may be very low.
• When someone feels guilt and is filled with "if onlys", it is not helpful to say, "Don't feel guilt." This only adds to their negative view of themselves. They would handle it better if they could. One response could be, "I don't think that you are guilty. You did the best you could at the time, but don't push down your feelings of guilt. Talk about it until you can let it go.
• Depression is often part of grief. It is a scary feeling. To be able to talk things over with an understanding friend or loved one is one factor that may help prevent a person from becoming severely depressed
• Give special attention to the children in the family. DO NOT tell them not to cry or not to upset the adults.
• Be aware of the physical reactions to the death or divorce or loss (lack of appetite, sleeplessness, headaches, inability to concentrate). These affect the person's coping ability, energy and recovery.
• Be aware that weekends, holidays and evenings may be more difficult.
• Consider sending a note at the time of their loved one's birthday, anniversary, death, or other special day, if it is for someone that has experienced death. (For a divorced person, their wedding anniversary, the day the divorce is final, the day their spouse left may be hard days). Better yet, take them out and do something with them on these dates. To be alone on these days can be overwhelming. To be included with others on Father's Day, Christmas etc., helps them to feel not so isolated. If the griever is now a single parent, help the children get them presents for Mother's Day/Father's Day/Christmas. A person misses those things and it makes the children happy to be able to give gifts to their parent. Another date you might consider remembering someone dealing with loss, is on Valentine's Day. This can be an incredibly depressing, lonely day as a person becomes acutely aware of their loss and how they are now alone.
• Don't avoid the griever. This adds to their loss. As the widowed often say, "I not only lost my spouse, but my friend as well." Many people have told me how their grief has been compounded by people staying away, simply because they did not know what to say to the griever. Also, don't assume that they are being taken care of by others and you will be just in the way or imposing. Usually, after a number of months pass, the support dwindles. Email, cards, letters, phone messages, charitable donations are appropriate ways to let the the person know you are thinking of them. 
• If a family is having to move as a result of their loss, go and help them pack, clean, move, prepare their new place etc. Go with them on moving day. Help them unpack and organize their new place. I can tell you from experience, when you are forced to move and it is not of your choosing, it is incredibly depressing. That first night in our new place, my son and I both cried ourselves to sleep. The fact that we moved to a fixer upper did not help. We looked around us and felt our loss and missed our beautiful home we had moved from. If you know someone is moving into a fixer upper, get a team together and go in and help the family in need. A move and fixing things up is difficult by itself. To do it while you are depressed and grieving just makes the task that much more difficult and overwhelming.
• CHECK IN with the griever. It helps immensely to the griever to let them know that you are thinking of them and wondering how they are doing, what you can do to help, and just letting them know you care.

WAYS TO SUPPORT GRIEVERS DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Not only are they trying to cope with intense feelings of grief, but they are also struggling with the stress and pressure of the holiday season. They might be struggling with depression if their financial situation has changed drastically from their previous holidays and they are unable to provide for their children.

1. Write a note in your holiday card recognizing the holidays will be difficult without their loved one this year. Just this simple acknowledgment provides support. Others may be telling the griever to get on with their life, or suggesting that since it's the holidays, they can't be depressed. Recognizing the loss is validating and validation provides support.

2. Support the choices the griever is making in regard to changing holiday tradition. Many people find it too painful to participate in certain parts of the holiday ritual. Making changes in how they will celebrate allows them to honor the holiday and celebrate it in a way that does not feel like salt is being rubbed in their wound. It can be hard to go to family functions when every one is joyful and happy when that is not how they are feeling. It also might be stressful if there are gift exchanges and they are not able to participate in that in the way they once were. They might be feeling their losses in many different ways.

3. Send a gift in honor of the loved one the family is grieving. A remembrance album or a memorial garden kit are two thoughtful suggestions. A gift in honor of the deceased provides family and friends with a comfortable setting to reminisce and honor the memories of their loved one.

4. Be available to listen. So many grieving people need the opportunity to talk as well as be heard. If you are a good listener you have an excellent gift to share with a grieving person 

5. Offer to go with the griever to holiday functions. Having someone available to talk to or make faces at across the room can make many holiday gatherings easier. Remember to be available to leave early if the grieving person finds she just can't take any more and needs to leave.

6. Our first Christmas alone, my son, who was eleven at the time, said to me "Mom, I don't care if I don't get any presents, I just want people to come to our house and it be like Christmas here." We were used to having people over during the holidays and it being a festive time. We were now living far from our friends and family with no kids in our new neighborhood. We had not been in our new location long enough to have made new friends. It broke my heart when my son said these words. Members from my mother's church, made an hour drive to come bring my son presents, to sing us Christmas carols and to share Christmas cookies with us. Another friend, who doesn't even normally celebrate Christmas, came and spent Christmas Eve with us so that my son would have someone to share Christmas morning with. I will forever be grateful for these acts of kindness!! Please take time out of your busy schedule during the holidays to think of families that have been affected by loss and see what you can do to make their holidays brighter and less lonely as they feel their loss in multiple ways.

- See more at: http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/how-to-help-others/#sthash.8IFhZ195.dpuf

friendship.

So…I want to write about friendship. I'm sort of struggling with friendship right now. I don't know what it is that makes me think this, but I sometimes question myself as a friend. I have serious doubts about if I'm a good friend or not. I have confidence issues because I think in the past, and merging in towards the present, I've had very confusing friendships that I thought were the bomb.com only to have them fizzle out completely. And to no avail, I can't figure out why.

Here's where the confidence issues come into play. I become so self obsessed and try to rethink every little detail that might have gone wrong in the relationship to try to have some sort of explanation as to what has happened…was I too over-bearing or did I not care enough? Was I too annoying or too aloof? Was I too selfish or too caring? Was I too fake or too honest? If I'm being honest with myself…the answer to any of these questions is…I DON'T KNOW.

So I guess why I'm writing this post right now is because I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that this same situation is happening again with some of my friends right now. I'm frustrated that I think it might be a personal issue (me), but then again, it might not. I'm frustrated because I tend to blame myself, when I know I shouldn't. I'm frustrated because one of the life lessons I've learned since losing my brother is not to blame ourselves, not to create stress and havoc where there isn't any. I'm frustrated because I UNDERSTAND and VALUE the relationships in my life, but it seems not everybody else does. And…it seems, these relationships, these friends, well, they are not just casual friends. I mean, I really value these friendships. I really appreciated the relationships I had with these people. I don't WANT to lose their friendship. I NEED their friendship. Their friendship has helped me so much get through so much shit in the last year, year and a half. I can't even begin to explain how much their friendship means to me.

Now, I realize that to some people, that last paragraph could be enough just in and of itself to completely shy away from me. Like they are in over their head in this friendship. Like that is not what they signed up for. Like, oh, I can't be that invested in this friendship because I don't have the time, the patience, the commitment, whatever.

I'm sorry, but if you know me at all, you know what you signed up for. You know I need friends. Good friends. Friends that will be there for me, and that I will be there for you, through thick and thin. See…I don't do superficial friendships anymore. I don't have the emotional capacity for fake friendships anymore. I've been through too much, learned too much, and value MY LIFE TOO MUCH for superficialness like that.

If you don't like what our friendship has become, then fine. Back off, cool off, peace out, whatever. If you can't handle it, fine. But if you are going to make that decision, can you at least just be honest with yourself AND ME and tell me so instead of playing games? I don't deserve that. I'll let you "go", but don't waste my time, my emotions, my sake of mind just because you don't feel the same way. Because, let me tell you this. I've learned to FIGHT for my friendships. I've learned to grab ahold of friends I hold dear and try with all my might to never let them go. And I WILL do that- IF the feeling is mutual. So it if isn't, then tell me so…and I'll let you go. Friendship is a two way street!

That way, I can at least focus on the people that ARE IN, thick or thin. The people that aren't scared of valuable relationships. The people that are selfless, caring, and willing to be there. For the fun stuff and the real stuff. I guess I should take a quick moment to thank the friends that I DO have in my life that ARE this way. Thank you, dear friends, for being in for the long haul, no matter how deep shit gets!! You know who you are!

So I'm not sure if I'm exasperated, angry, wise, or taking the high road. Or maybe all of the above. But I've come to realize that in order to make it in this world, I've got to surround myself with people that love me for who I am, and anyone who does less than that doesn't have a place in my life. You could say, if you want to be my friend, at this point in my life, its pretty much all or none.

I think that where I go from here is to employ my brother's Design Your Mind philosophy. I'm not going to agonize over friendships lost, or over friendships potentially being lost right now. I'm not going to whine and cry for long. I got it off my chest. From here, I'm going to try to DYM, equip myself with a positive mind, to focus on the good that I do have, the blessings I have, rather than what I might be losing. Sometimes I just have to remember…"it is what it is". In the end, that saves me so much drama and stress. So know that I welcome valuable friendships, friendships that are real and have mutual feelings, and that I will fight for those friendships for a time. But also know that I'm not going to grovel at your feet for the rest of my life to try to save something that isn't worth saving if the feeling isn't a mutual feeling in the first place.

"power of prayer"

this "power of prayer" crap is nonsense.

i guess i am saying i don't believe in prayer anymore.

whats meant to happen will happen, regardless of how hard we pray.

i guess you probably need some context here. i just saw someone on my newsfeed say on their friends status "praying for you!!!". that status was talking about how they knew someone who was in a 4 
wheeler accident and how there was bleeding on the brain and the person he was with didn't make it and they were asking for prayers because they believe in the power of prayer.

well i'm sorry, but if there was power in prayer, if it really was left to us as mortals and how "hard we prayed", then i'm pretty sure evan would still be alive.

the only other alternative is that people weren't praying hard enough when WE were asking for prayers the night of the accident and i refuse to believe that that was the scenario.

is there are grey area for prayer? i always thought it was black and white. either god is going to save someone or call them "home". he's not gonna sit back and wait to see how "hard people pray" before making a decision to keep someone alive or not.

and that's just my two-cents.

Behind the Blog: Meet the Blogger

Hey all,

So I have had this blog awhile and I intend to keep it around for awhile longer, so I thought I'd share a little info about yours truly. My intent is to perhaps make this a bit more personal for the reader- so they know about who is writing and maybe some connections will be formed. I create a list of tid-bits about me, some trivial, some profound, that you may read if you so desire:

• ·       Fall is my favorite season, BY FAR. Can’t get enough pumpkin, sweaters, boots, football, beautiful leaves, cider, you name it J
  ·      I am from a very artistic and musically talented family. I love that about them. I myself have played the piano since I was six and miss that I don’t have one in my house now. I love to sing too, mostly that mostly consists of rocking out in my car on road trips ;)
  ·      I love football, am married to a football coach, and am a huge Colts fan. I’m also married to a Patriots fan L !
  ·      I love craft beer. We have a kegerator. Currently on tap: Bell’s Octoberfest.
  ·      I lost up to 35 lbs this last year. I range from 30-35 depending on the week ;)
  ·      I am in love with my dog, a wheaten terrier, who is 2.5 years old. I also have a cat, who is very persnickety, and is 3. He’s a shelter cat!
  ·      My husband and I have been together 8! Years, married 4 J
  ·      I secretly love that I’m the only Boilermaker at my school…and I am surrounded by IU fans every day. I wear my Purdue shirts proudly!
  ·      I haven’t had cable for two years…and I don’t miss it!
  ·      I have two degrees…Social Studies Ed (minor in Econ and Government) and Elementary Ed. Secret: Purdue was a heck of a lot harder than SMWC ;)
  ·      I question the faith I grew up in: I question Christianity and religion as a whole. I have my very simple, childlike faith, but I am very cynical of all the rest.
  ·      You know when people get sick of snow in the winter and yearn for spring? Ya, I’m one of those people that’s always hoping for one more snow. I can never get enough!
  ·      I am obsessed with New England. As is my husband. We kinda sorta have a dream to uproot there one day. I love the history (American Revolution/colonial times has always been one of my favorite periods in history), we both love the beer, the culture, and of course, he loves the football! We’ll see where life takes us!
  ·      I will watch one show on Netflix 24/7 until I finish it. I become slightly obsessed. And then it’s over, and I feel like I’ve lost dear ones in my life forever. Same goes with books too! (Harry Potter, Hunger Games, you name it!)
  ·      I used to hate my “redish” hair growing up, but I have grown to love it in the last couple years. I appreciate my uniqueness. Especially since people have told me how much they love my natural color and how jealous they are- it must be pretty, right?
  ·      I love my name- my parents did an amazing job! J I wish I could name my own kid that, ha!
  ·      I’m on a quest to “amp up my style” this year after gaining sorta kinda a new body. I can wear smaller clothes- so why not attempt to look cuter in them, right? Thanks, pinterest for the ideas ;)
  ·      I am obsessed with all things Irish, even though, technically, kinda, I am Scottish. Hey, my Irish ancestors emigrated to Scotland- so whatever! I love Irish beers, music, festivities, and the pub culture. My hubs too!
  ·      I’m on a continual quest to find the meaning of life- and it is perpetual and ever changing, of that I’m sure. I’m also sure I never would’ve embarked on this journey had I not lost my brother and my grandpa in the same summer, thus catapulting me into an unforeseen search of the unknown. I am forever grateful for the opportunity both gave me to make the most of my life, to try to become a better version of myself, and to transform and challenge myself in what I call my “soul journey” as I create meaningful relationships and learn from enlightening life lessons that come my way. <3
  ·      I tried for four years to get a job out of college. I went back to school and finally got a job just three weeks after graduating the second time. This was also the same year I lost my brother, just 8 months later. I do not think this is coincidence. I think someone up there knew exactly what I needed to get out of bed every day, to give me something to live for, to give new breath to my life. And thank them everyday for it.
  
  
  Hope you've liked getting to know the blogger behind this blog! More "more serious" posts to come soon!

Longing and Happiness

I miss him. I miss him so much. It's unbelievable how much I can still miss a person so much after "so long" and so constantly. Emotions are a powerful thing, and it's arguable that longing may be the most powerful of them all.

I've also been missing my grandpa. I love my grandpa. And I miss him so much too. It's true that I did get to say goodbye to him unlike with Evan, so maybe that's why I'm not "grieving" him like I am with Ev. It's also true that he lived a long full life and my brother had so much more to live.

But missing two very very dear individuals so much, so constant, so overwhelmingly consuming that they possess your mind ALL THE TIME is rough on a soul. Don't get me wrong- I'm not miserable. But I WOULD give anything to have them back.

I don't want people to confuse grief with sadness. To me, at least, grief is something oh so much more different than sadness. Sadness typically is one emotion, one layer, and you normally snap out of it at some point. Grief is a wide complexity of emotions, a roller coaster of them, you never know what emotion is going to come when. And it can be many layers of emotions at once. For example, I'm always "sad" but I can be "happy" at the same time. Does this make any sense to someone who has not lost someone they love? I don't know.

I want to speak a bit on what I mean by the fact that I am "happy". I prefer to think of it more like...
awoken
enlightened
challenged

or in other words, I try think of happiness in terms of actions that make my life WORTH something:
happiness is giving back
happiness is challenging yourself
happiness is becoming a better person
happiness is forgiving
happiness is peace
happiness is learning
happiness is meaningful relationships
happiness is meaningful experiences

I am on a mission to become a happier person. If that's not a Fanny Pack Impact, than I don't know what is! ;) And don't think of "happy" as our shallow society tends to think of it. Think of it as all the reasons listed above. My brother and my grandpa were the epitome examples of happy people- zest for life, laughter around the table, drawn to them in a room, hanging on to every word they said, never getting enough time with them, smiles light up the room, you name it. I want to be that. Not because of what others think of me, but because it's MY life and it's MY responsibility to make the most of it. And to honor them, their IMPACTS, their legacies, their life lessons they left behind.

so SMILE, do something nice for yourself, and remember...try to find your inner happiness. :)

What do I think the meaning of life is? Here it is.

Saw this and loved it. Please don't be afraid to make me cry-
 it might even be tears of joy because you remember them and
that they impacted your life.

Grandpa goofing around with beanie babies ;)

There were so many goofy pictures of Evan- but I always
 loved this one. Totally hamming it up for the camera. ;)

The fanny pack impact...finally!

You know how they say you change as a person when you lose someone you love? Like, you are never the same person again. You change, most often for the better, but you are definitely not the same person you were before. Well, its sort of a surreal phenomenon to me, but I am one of "those people". I can't even believe it, but I see myself changing, both physically, mentally, and spiritually. My outlook on life is changing. I just wanted to share with you a couple examples of this change and how it manifests in my life.

I am so happy to say, this is my first blog post on explicitly stating what impacts Evan has left on me.  You can read the original blog post explaining what the fanny pack impact is all about here. It took 2 weeks short of a year for me to get to this place. And its not just one thing, its many. I am blown away at how he is impacting ALL facets of my life!!! Not just a couple intangible things, but several real, tangible changes. Remember how I set out to explore the Fanny Pack Impact in writing this blog? I wanted to find what Evan's lasting legacy was, or is, and how people were inspired by him to make changes. Thank God, I've finally got some to share with you... :)

The FIRST Impact I have to share with you is that I've gotten healthy. I started Weight Watchers up again the first week of the school year in August, and have been on it ever since. I am SO happy to say I've lost (depending on the day) between 25-28 pounds. Woohoo to committing to a healthier me. I've even been running and training for a 5k my family and close friends are running in honor of Evan in two weeks (race day just so happens to be his one year anniversary of his passing).

What inspired the change? Okay, brutally honest time here. A couple years ago, I remember my little brother, fresh out of rehab and with a honest and real outlook on life, asking me "Shannon, have you let yourself go?" I was totally shocked and even a little hurt that he would ask that. I mean, yes I had gained weight since getting married, but was it THAT bad? (The answer was probably yes, even though I didn't want to admit it).

But that was Evan for you. He was the mirror to your inner conscience that you didn't want to face, but confronted you about it anyways. And it was never vindictive (at least the couple years when he truly became a better person and became a man). He was only trying to challenge you into becoming the best person you can be (as it says in his class prompt, which so happens to be written about the same time he asked me that question). He challenged not just me, but my dad, mom, and sister to all become better versions of ourselves. I'm sure he challenged his friends too. He was challenging because he was caring. Something I of course didn't realize until he was gone.

So, back to healthy. Yes, I'm down many pounds. And I'm going to go at least until I get to my wedding weight again. But he inspired me to reign myself in, to work out, and to make life more meaningful. He had just committed to becoming vegan a couple weeks before his death. He saw it, and made the change. Now, I see his change, and I'm making the change. Thank you, brother :)

Here's a before and after. I plan to do another one when my journey is complete :)

The SECOND impact I've been so blessed to make is thru my job. I first graduated with a teaching degree in Dec. 2008, tried for three years to get a Social Studies job before realizing it wasn't my dream anymore. My current job has inspired me to go back to school to teach Elementary. I went back to school and got my second license a year later. How's this for perspective: 4 years later, and no Social studies job. No sooner than 3 weeks after getting my elementary license? I get a fricking job!!!! Coincidence?! I do. not. think. so!!!!

It was absolutely positively no coincidence that I finally got a full time teaching job the same year my brother died. I know now I was given a gift. The job I got was a gift from my brother and from God. God was saying, "See? I had a plan for you all along, I just wanted to give it to you at the right time." Evan I believe was saying, "See sis? Now you have been given this gift to inspire others. Thats our purpose in life, to leave a mark on others. Now its your time to leave a mark on these children." I also think that they both knew that I would NEED this job to keep me going, from not spiraling into depression and despair. They knew it would give me incentive and motivation to keep going, day to day. I had known for a long time, I was destined to teach. But I have just learned that through teaching, I can inspire others like my brother inspired me. And for that, I thank both God and you, Evan. Thank you for this gift <3

my new school, where I get to "leave my mark"

The last impact, I can at least think of for now, is that I am starting to appreciate beauty around me. Not just appreciate it (because I did do that before) but to look at the same picture in a whole new light. I see the process of this thing we call life in almost everything. Sunset, weeds, expired milk products, lol. I see so many things as having a beginning, a middle (their life, their fullest), and an end (which I know for our loved ones, is only just a beginning). I want to explain more on this subject in another blog post. Stay tuned for some amazing changes, and even more impacts, my brother has left on my life!


PS I'm too lazy to read for typo's. Blame it on my cold. Sorry :)

Some quotes

I've always been inspired by words, but since I lost my brother, sometimes words just resonate louder than ever with me. Before, I used to seek out the meaning, now? The meaning screams at me, no digging or searching required. I'd like to share a couple with you now:

We watched Life of Pi last night. Wow, what a wonderful movie about perseverance in the midst of tragedy. Here's a couple quotes that really spoke to me:

"Even when God seemed to of abandoned me, he was watching.  Even when he seemed indifferent to my suffering, he was watching.  And when I was beyond all hope, he gave me rest.  He gave me a sign to continue my journey."

"I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go.  But what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.  I was never able to thank my father for all I've learned from him.  To tell him, without his lessons, I would have never survived."

The one above really speaks to me, because I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to my brother. His accident was so sudden, he was braindead by the time he got to the hospital. The only goodbye I've done is speaking to his spirit, which of course, is never quite the same. So I definitely understand what Pi was talking about when he said that. 

"Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." C.S. Lewis

"Without the rain, there would never be rainbows."

"Do not judge. You do not know what storm I've asked her to walk through." - "God"

currently...

So I'm following in the footsteps of blogging teachers all over the country and doing...


Currently boards. I believe this originated from Oh Boy 4th Grade and I love it!


Slowly yet surely I am learning more and more blog design and graphic design tips from the wonderful blogging world (and Pinterest of course).


So...without further ado, here's my Currently April:

let's talk...religion

okay, well I know I might get some flack for this post, but hey, it's my own honest feelings, so whatever. also, funny thing, whenever I start a post, I always think there's not really much to say, but then I keep typing more and more, so who knows what this post will turn into.

Alright, so lets get it out there- my faith in the whole "Christianity" world has pretty much been flatlined. I mean, if I was completely honest, it wasn't really that strong to begin with the last couple years.

Then, my brother was taken from me, and I felt like, "well, what's the point?". Don't get me wrong- I still believe in a higher power. I still believe he works in our lives and that divine design is present in our lives, but all the other mumbo jumbo about christianity? Jesus? Being perfect? Walking this earth? Christians? proving their acts of service to God before gaining entrance to heaven?  The whole Bible is Gods sanctioned word thing but knowing it was really written, twisted, and contorted by men over thousands of years so why should we live our entire live by it? I mean, theres a lot of things I don't agree with in Christianity, but again, if I'm being honest, I was getting cynical about it before ever losing Evan.

Clarification: I'm not saying what you believe is wrong. I'm really just trying to say that we are all entitled to our own thoughts and beliefs and that while we may disagree with each other, we still need to respect each other and our own opinions. I have always loved the word "Tolerance". I am tolerant of what you believe, and I would expect that you would be of what I believe. I think tolerance is a liberal concept overlooked by lots of conservatives. Its something we should all strive to be more often. Less fighting, more love!

So here's the deal: please don't ream me out for my thoughts. My thoughts are my thoughts. And I hate when people start "cyber wars" over issues regarding politics and religion. I just don't have the energy for it. Or is it that I just don't care what you think? Sorry! I'd be more than happy to talk to you about the good things in life that are happening to you, how your family is doing, how your new job is going, what good you did for others and your house projects, blah blah blah. But I'm not going there on certain issues with you. I love you, but I always respect everyone's right to their own beliefs :)

So lets talk about what I DO believe in: I believe in God (or some form of a higher power). I believe in a sovereign power overlooking our lives, keeping us safe, giving us blessings in life, and challenging us to be better versions of ourselves. I believe in a higher power that is loving, yet demanding. I believe in a higher power that won't give us more than we can handle (and thats saying a lot considering what me and my family has been through). I believe that He or She gives us many meaningful learning experiences throughout our lives and that we can either choose to grow from them or be ignorant and stagnant.

Lets talk about what this all has to do with my brother. I believe that God was divinely designing our last few months with Evan. I believe he was giving us that quality time with him before he had to go. I believe that God knew Evan was going to die, but he knew we didn't know. I believe that God DIDN'T choose to take Evan, but that it was "just in the cards". I don't think God would EVER willingly CHOOSE to take our loved ones, but that he will do everything in his power to make the last moments with them count, make them worthwhile, and make them overwhelmingly meaningful. Think about it; every time you hear of someone losing a loved one, don't they always have cool memories to share, memories that all happened in the last couple weeks or months of their life? God planned that; of that I'm sure. He gave us Easter last year with Evan. He gave us our last family trip together to CA with him. He gave mom and dad many opportunities to give him rides back and forth to places, to spend as many special minutes with him as possible. And for that, I thank you, God, for those last blessings.

Lets see...what else. I believe that God gives everyone a "purgatory" period after death and before eternal life. I believe that in those moments of when my brother was looming between this earth and the after life, he was making the decision of whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell. I DON'T believe God decides where an individual goes. I believe the INDIVIDUAL decides- are they going to redeem themselves, and commit to an eternal devotion to the wants and needs of others or are they going to continue to put their needs and wants first, abandoning everyone else's? That decision they make cements where they will spend the rest of eternity. For my brother, I believe he was always a selfless person. Always giving his time and energy into making other people happy, into protecting people that needed protecting, into helping people that needed help. I think it was a decision made easy for him- he was that way in life, of course he would be that way in his after life.

I like to think he got an immediate promotion to guardian angel upon entering heaven. "They" say most people have to prove themselves to get their guardian angel wings, you know, put in their time. Well, I think God knew of Evan's talents from watching him this whole time. I think God gave Evan a job promotion right away :) I know of peoples stories since he's passed that have said they literally saw Evan protecting them from danger. I KNOW he's the Arc Angel Michael's apprentice :)

So. That's that. I know there's probably more I don't believe, or do believe. But I think I got the gist of it.

For now, lets envision my brother, glowing in white, with that adorable crooked smile and beautiful blue-green-gray eyes, smiling down on us, as we go to celebrate life, love, and relationships with each other.

Cause thats the thing about relationships- they don't end once we move on in this world. Like our spirits, they last forever.

God bless.

One of the last pictures taken of my brother. I took this photo while we are all on our last trip together- the last time we were all together as a family, in Napa Valley, CA. This was also the photo we used as the opening to his memorial service. We played it to one of his favorite bands, "Angels and Airwaves". This was/is his last Facebook Profile Picture and will always be so special because it does represent so many "lasts". Now, when I look at the picture, I see him as an angel, at the top of the world, looking down on all of us. With his classic style of course ;)

People have no idea

Hello blog world.

Okay, so...lets talk my new job. After close to exactly 4 years of searching for a teaching job, I finally got hired as a Title 1 teacher in a local school where I live. It really worked out perfectly. I got hired for a position that I originally went back to school to teach: Title 1. Title 1 is a federally funded position, not a state paid position. Low income schools get grants to teach at-risk reading and math students. It is an intensive, last resort intervention before they are up for special ed screening. I provide that last resort instruction for them- I teach small groups of reading and math in 30 minute sessions. I currently teach 3-5th grade and am LOVING it! Finally, it all worked out!

okay, what does that do with my blog? well...its completely a new school system than the one I had been working at. I had been working in the same school system for ... {pause for mental math}... 3 and a half years. Needless to say, I had built up friendships and connections over the years, so they knew all my family history when this all went down in May.

I got hired at this new job in a neighboring school system in December. Started in Jan. My new school? THEY. KNOW. NOTHIN'

note: (with the exception of my Title team, because I felt they needed to know, with how close we all work together...but the rest of the building and teachers? nada.)

they know NOTHING about my history. They know NOTHING about the HELL I've been through the last year. They know NOTHING about my family, my loss, my brother, myself. They know NOTHING about how I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night, or how I miss my brother so much it physically hurts in my chest, or how my longing literally takes my breath away. They know NOTHING about how my parents are coping with the loss of their son, how they go by day to day, with a pain so hard to bear that it would crush the strongest of men. They know NOTHING of how much pain it brought to my sister, so much that she had to move across country to be with her family again, because she was alone, out across the country, and not with us, when she needed it most. They know NOTHING of the fights me and my husband have had, words exchanged with each other, words we wish we wouldn't of said, yet words we knew were healing in the end, all in the name of anguish and grief...

They
know
nothing.

I don't know how I feel about that. Its really kind of an odd feeling. I mean, NO ONE knows NOTHING about my personal tragedy this last year. In a way, its sort of freeing. HERE I AM, NEW SCHOOL! I'M HERE TO TAKE ON THE WORLD! NOTHING'S STOPPING ME!

or {depending on the day}:

here i am new school
i'm falling apart today
i can't function
because i've got so many emotions
and you know nothing
and i've got no one to confide in
in my moment of despair
so
i'm on
my own

Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions. but that's the life of a person who's dealing with grief. as forrest gump said: "life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you are going to get."

a grieving persons life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what kind of emotions you are going to get, when you'll get them, or where. you just gotta....

go...

on.

To remain: I know the secret will get out...eventually. Because, let's face it, it's inevitable. But I'm curious as to who it will be too, what will bring it up, and when it will happen. Also...will I cry? Or will time help solidify my emotions when that dreadful subject will come up?

__________________________________


I miss you. Do you realize how often I think about you still? Do you realize how ingrained in every facet of my life you are? Do you hear my prayers at night? To keep us safe, and protected?
Do you watch me,
think of me,
miss me?

'Cause I sure do...

Its been awhile

So, first I got busy.

Then I forgot my password.

Then, I got busy. {again}.

Story of a bloggers life, right?

I'm just glad I am able to login again and have a place to write my thoughts down.

What thoughts? uh....yeah....about that.

The last time I blogged was in September I think. How's my grief journey been, you ask? Uh...its just a little ironic that blogging is about getting out your thoughts and feelings, and that I, uh, haven't really had much thoughts or feelings. I mean, if I were to pick a list of words that describe my grief journey in the last few months it'd probably go something like this:

void. for the most part- emotionless. experience outside myself. did that really happen? if it did, how come I'm still a fully functioning person? disbelief. shock (still). hard to accept reality (still). is he really forever gone (still)? missing him an UNBELIEVABLY immense amount. to the point of physical hurt and longing.

but-
time goes on. yet my experiences stay the same.

I want to say I want to pour out my emotions to you, I'm a wreck inside still, I can barely get out of bed, yada yada. but that just not true. if anything, I'm just...

...

being.

i live my life. do the work thing. do the wife thing. do the daughter, sister, friend thing. I just...be. Just like my life before all this happened. I don't get when people say their lives are turned upside down. Yes, I have had my moments of gut wrenching, utter despair, and IN THOSE MOMENTS ONLY I feel like my life has been turned upside down. But AS A WHOLE, AS A MAJORITY,

my
life
continues
on.

They say Time Heals.

I guess they are right.

but I still can't believe it ever happened.

and its been 10 months.