Work

This week and last week I have been going into my school where I am student teaching at to meet the teacher and the class. I am set to start full time Monday! But something was nagging at me. I just knew what I needed to do- I had to tell my cooperating teacher about Evan today. It was the first time I've "had" to tell someone; someone that wasn't a family member or friend, but a professional coworker. And you know, I had my little photo album and showed her pictures of Evan. I felt it would just make the situation seem more real if she saw him, right? Anyways...

It was necessary, but hard. And I of course choked up. God, when I get so busy and people start going away, I don't get to talk about Evan. So when I DO have to talk about him to people, then its even harder to talk about it. Ugh. But I told her and got through it. You see, I felt I owed her an explanation, or disclaimer, if you will, for my possible behavior and emotional swings that could present themselves in the next several weeks. I needed to tell her that my personal life might impact my professional life this semester. I needed to tell her that grief comes in waves, and I never know when it will hit me, and that I might need to duck in the closet and let some tears fall. Come to think of it, I should probably just keep a box of Kleenex in there all the time ;)

I needed to tell her that I'm not sure how my work ethic might change, and how my professional standards for myself are not as high as they used to be once upon a time. Its just like, I sweated the small stuff before, right? I mean, I was the OVER ACHIEVER, SMALLEST DETAIL, NOTES, ORGANIZED, PLAN AHEAD, HAVE BACK UPS kind a teacher before. Now? I'm just not so sure. I mean, I will still have "good standards" as compared to everyone else. I won't use Evan as an excuse to slack off. Never! But I could see myself just not maintaining that same level of standards that I would have had before all this.

I also needed to tell her that I could need her to step in at any moment if I am up there teaching, and I see something that reminds me of Evan, and I cry, and I need to step away.

She was so supportive! God Bless her for that. I remember months ago and even a couple weeks ago really hoping/praying for the perfect teacher, a teacher who would understand my situation. A COMPASSIONATE teacher. A UNDERSTANDING teacher. A FLEXIBLE teacher. She is all those things and more. Thank you God for the divinely matched teacher and student.

I did wonder though, as all elementary students are so probing and questioning and curious, what do I say when they ask me (because it's inevitable they will) how many brothers and sisters I have? The question alone will make me cry, I don't even know where to begin in my response....just another one of those things...

Potpourri

I'm titling this post "Potpourri" because it is a smorgasbord of topics. The thing with blogging is, it does take time. I can't always run to my computer when I have a thought I want to share, so these thoughts build and build. Hence, a long post and a random one at that. Oh well! Its for my benefit, right? Not the readers, so bear with me!

First up: Visitations. 

I feel like like I am struggling when it comes to Evan visiting me. Countless people have told me, "Evan came to me in a dream last night" or "I saw Evan yesterday". Even "I heard Evan talking to me". I have had none of those experiences. WHY? I am not angry, I am not upset, but I am wondering why I haven't not yet seen or heard my brother after three months of being gone. And will I ever? I know he's out there, I know he is watching us and is with us, but he has never explicitly come to me and made him known.

I will say this, however. I do FEEL him at night. I FEEL his presence in our house, and its not a pinpointed, human form presence. Its more of an all encompassing presence that is floating in the air, blanketing our home with peacefulness and watchfulness. Its only at night I feel him, and most often its when I am still awake and my pets and hubby are sleeping. I look for him (sometimes, though most often I am kind of freaked out still) but never see him. I do feel him often though. And while its comforting to know he's there, I cannot help but yearn for more.

I want him to talk to me again, I want to see him in his beautiful perfect angel form, to see that he is physically okay, and to see that he is emotionally happy, satisfied, and content. This should be understandable to anyone who has lost a loved one, but I think its for me even more because I did not have a chance to say goodbye to him. It was a sudden loss, and it was physically disruptive as well. I want to see him again in his perfect angelic form, to seek that closure I never had. To see that he's okay, and to give him, face to face, my goodbye's that are so long overdue. When I said goodbye to him in the hospital, it was to his spirit, not his body. His body was still alive because of harvesting for organ donations, but his spirit and mind were gone. It's so hard to explain, but I suppose I don't have to try to explain it to anybody but myself :)

Second: Skeletons in the closet.

I know this is a public blog, and I chose to make it publicly available when I first advertised it on Facebook. But I have to tell you, there are some secrets hiding in the midst of our family. So many people are clueless about everything thats happened, all the additional details in his death and subsequent months following it. I am only talking about this for MY sake, NOT yours. I am NOT putting this out there to satisfy the needs of those greedy gossips, who only care for the juicy details and not at all for the wonderful person of who Evan was. I am not putting this out there for the two faced people who are so immature and stuck in the drama of it all that they they can't even see the big picture, that they only think about themselves and not Evan or his family, us. I am putting it out there for MY healing and my healing only. And PLEASE NOTE: don't you dare ask me "What? What secrets?" because if you do, you will automatically be entered into my book of scorn and shame and I will forever cast you into the lot of the people above whom I just mentioned. I will immediately remove you from my circle of trustworthy friends and forever lose respect for you. So there ;)

The fact is, I can't continue to heal unless I get some things off my chest. I may offend some people, I may upset some people by my revelations, but I need to do what I know is best for me. I can't continue to heal while at the same time hiding these secrets in the deaths of my soul, while they are literally eating away at my conscience and body. The term "get it off my chest" will definitely apply here. After all, I started this blog for me. The tagline is "seeking hope and healing" isn't it? Than so be it. I will not be delving into any secrets today, but I may or may not in the future. Consider it a disclaimer if you will. All I know is that I am not dealing only with grieving my brother. I am dealing with so much more family drama on top of it all that any other person dealing with just the drama would be screwed up, much less actually losing a brother on top of it. It was just...one more....damn thing....after another...that its a miracle my family even survived this summer without entering mental institutions! So I may need to talk about it, but this is my online journal, so get used to it :)

Third: Heaven

So a couple weeks after my brothers passing (and note, I will rarely use the word "death"), I read the book "Heaven is For Real". For those of you who don't know what it's about, its about a 4 year old boy who visits heaven while he is in a near death experience here on earth. He is there for a while, but only gone from this earth for about three minutes. This book chronicles his experiences in heaven. I always take everything with a grain of salt, but I like how the book has backups and proof of what the boy saw and learned. Its not just his account, but his account as judged against past family events, members, common knowledge, and biblical truth. So I finally picked it up and read it. Ironically, it had been sitting on our bookshelf for over a year, given to us by my sister in law, who said it was a really great read, and that when we were done, we were to pass it along to someone else. Funny that book sat there for so long, and it finally took my losing my brother to open it up. And boy, am I sure glad I did. I thought I'd slowly read it over the course of a few days, but I ended up reading it all in two hours. Of course, the academic in me simply can't read a book without taking notes over it, so I did. I didn't highlight parts in it because I knew I wanted to pass it along, and believe me, that was hard. I'm a highlighting fiend :) But I did take notes in the back. How could I not?

You see, I was searching for answers, big time. Answers as to where Evan was, what it was like there, and was he happy. I was not into religious answers, or fluffy overused cliches of heaven. I was into concrete details, how they could be applied to the person Evan is, and how heaven relates personally to Evan. Needless to say, I found what I needed. I do believe there are several tear drop stains in several parts of the book. Here are my findings, as related to Evan, in bullet point form:

• NOTES on simple components of Heaven:
• There are angels singing. (Evan always had a lovely voice, even though he didn't think so)
• The boy went "up and out of my body" he said. He was watching everybody do everything from "up there". This is what I have always thought about angels and spirits in heaven- that there are omniscient and omnipresent. So its true, Evan is with us at all times and can see everything we do. That also means he was in the hospital room with us as we spent our last few hours with him. His body was still there, but his spirit was already separated from his body. I feel that because of the nature of his injury, because he was pronounced "braindead" that his spirit left his body almost immediately. That is just my belief, and perhaps I'll delve into that more deeply in the future. Fact is, he was with us in that room and he is with us now.
• Heaven is full of colors; some colors we've never seen with our own human eyes even! Millions and millions of colors! As an artist, Evan had an appreciation of color, and as a meditative person as well. He would love this component of heaven.
• Everyone is in human form in heaven. Now, this contrasts with some other books I've read that state everyone is in pure energy form, but this is more comforting to me, right now, so that's what I'll choose to believe for the moment. :) Jesus, angels, and our loved ones are all in human form and are able to physically touch each other. Hugs all around!
• Everyone has wings, of differing sizes. Not just the angels. I wonder how big Evan's are :) Do guardian angels have bigger wings? because if so, then he would. I know in my heart he is someone's guardian angel right now. He was a protector life, and he will be a protector in his after-life, of that I'm sure.
• People meet and reunite in heaven; they recognize each other even if they've never met in real life. Not only that, these loved ones are the first ones to greet Evan as he enters heaven. So Evan was greeted by his Grandmother Dorothy (whom he never met), Grandpa Jim (whom he hadn't seen since he was 8!), friends of loved ones, and who knows? Maybe even closer relatives to him than that. In turn, I like to think that Evan was with Grandma Dorothy when greeting my Grandpa Scott in heaven, who passed just 9 weeks after my brother. With a big lopsided smile on his face, saying to Grandpa, "let me show you around".
• There is nature in heaven. Animals, flowers, trees, COLOR. Evan was big into nature, although he loved the cities too, but it was recently made aware of how much he was awe-inspired by nature though his trip to the Redwood Forest in California in the spring and his recent commitment to ensuring animal rights through practicing veganism. So you've got it, Ev. Nature is protected in heaven, and you can be a part of it!
• No old people in heaven and no imperfections. Everyone is in the prime of their life. My grandpa, I imagine will be in his 40's or so, young enough to still hop around the tennis courts but old enough to still have all his wisdom gained. My brother, who was as old as he would ever get, at age 21, I imagine is still 21, but all his injuries sustained in the car accident are gone. He is in perfect form, and even his skin might be flawless lol. You don't have to worry about anymore pimples, Ev. I hope he still has that wild unkempt hair though! :)

I have only written simple notes on heaven. For this post, which I feel is long enough, I will leave it at that. Perhaps my next post will contain the real nitty gritty of what I pulled from the book- my reflections and revelations of Heaven and as it relates to Evan's passing. You'll see :) 

I want to leave you with the picture of Evan gazing up at the immense redwoods in CA. You can see from his body language just how inspired he was by the beauty of the nature around him. 

I would say "rest in peace" brother, but Evan was never a very restful person, was he? He's probably too busy exploring heaven or visiting with others here to rest much :)

Time

Yesterday was three months that you were gone. 

Three months. 

How can it only be three months? And yet, where did those three months go?

Time is something I'm struggling with. I have always been aware of time. As a history major, I know how time defines our lives, our society, and the world we live in. Time is to be respected, noted, and appreciated because you only live in one speck of the continuum of time, and it flies by before you know it. In that speck of time, you must decide how to make the most of it. How will you leave your mark on history? What will you contribute to your community, society, and your loved ones in that small very split second of time that you live in? 

Would it be ironic that I've always asked myself these questions, and yet, how they can be so perfectly applied to losing my brother? 

So back to time. and my struggles. I have NEVER in my life been so completely confused by time. Aware of it, yes. Valuing it, yes. But stuck in a continuous time warp of not knowing where I am or what day it is? Not knowing how many weeks its been since, yet, subconsciously counting the days in my head regardless? Can't believe how fast time has flown by, but yet, feeling stuck in time? Good grief, I'm so lost in this thing we call time now. And I was always on top it. I was always the looking forward to, marking it down on my calendar, countdown kinda girl. Yet I always knew not to look forward to everything, because then you are wishing away the time you have in the present. I almost prided myself on this respect and view of time.

But after my brother, oh good grief, I've lost my bearing on time. Time manipulates me. Time eludes me. Time confuses me. Time sneaks by me, and time makes me stand still in it. How can it do both things at once? I will never know. And I suppose only those who have been through what I have will understand this phenomenon. 

Let me try to sum up the past three months in terms of my grief:

Month 0-1: Complete and utter shock, mixed in with moments of gut wrenching despair. Time was at a stand still during this first month.

Month 1-2: Alot of "unfeeling" during this month. I felt bad for not feeling bad enough. I didn't have much emotions during this time. It was during this month that time flew by. 

Month 2-3: Shock has worn off. Still battle with denial at times. But the awareness that my brother is physically gone from this earth is here, like a bitter cold wave, sucking me under water, so long at times, I feel like I won't ever have the last breath of fresh air again. And when that wave is gone, it spits me up on the beach, like a rag doll, tossed and trashed and broken. It uses and loses me. Then I slowly pick myself up, fix my clothes, toss the sand out of my hair, and place one foot in front of another. Looking and walking toward the sunrise, for the only beautiful thing in my sight until another harsh wave takes me again. But its those moments of walking into the sunrise that keep me going, rather than completely caving in to the waves and never coming back up. Time is conflicting: it flies by, yet doesn't go anywhere. Time is a blur, to put it simply. 

Evan Scott Poteet, you have been gone three months now, and with every passing day, I miss you more and more. Sometimes that miss, which is just an emotion for some people, but that miss presents itself physically in my body. That miss, which I can physically feel, spreads achy feelings throughout the very core of my body and can be so overwhelming that it literally takes my breath away. Words are not enough to explain how much I wish I could see you again. I love you. Forever and always. <3

The Blogging World

Okay, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I have been blog stalking for awhile now. Since Pinterest exploded I have been introduced to the world of beyond adorable teaching blogs. Knowing what I new about them, I was inspired to start my own blog, though not for teaching purposes. So I signed up with a basic blogger template (what you all saw a couple days ago).

HOWEVER, since exploring the wonderful world wide web, I have become OBSESSED with blog design and simply CANNOT choose JUST ONE template! Ahhhh the cruel cruel torture of having just one at a time!

So just a disclaimer- you may check in often and my site may not look like ANYTHING the last time you were here, but that's simply because I just love patterns and color and design too much to let my blog sit the same for long! Hey, as long as I still have The Fanny Pack Impact as my blog title, you'll know you are in the right place :)

I thought I'd share just one site I'm currently obsessed with for blog backgrounds and designs (did I mention it's FREE!!!!) : Shabby Blogs.com! Thanks Miss Jillian for the recommendation. ;)

I'll leave you with one fascinating fact:
Before Facebook I was getting about 3 hits a day.
Since opening it up to the Facebook world, I got over 100 hits yesterday!
Amazing huh?

Ahhhh bloggerspace!