Work

This week and last week I have been going into my school where I am student teaching at to meet the teacher and the class. I am set to start full time Monday! But something was nagging at me. I just knew what I needed to do- I had to tell my cooperating teacher about Evan today. It was the first time I've "had" to tell someone; someone that wasn't a family member or friend, but a professional coworker. And you know, I had my little photo album and showed her pictures of Evan. I felt it would just make the situation seem more real if she saw him, right? Anyways...

It was necessary, but hard. And I of course choked up. God, when I get so busy and people start going away, I don't get to talk about Evan. So when I DO have to talk about him to people, then its even harder to talk about it. Ugh. But I told her and got through it. You see, I felt I owed her an explanation, or disclaimer, if you will, for my possible behavior and emotional swings that could present themselves in the next several weeks. I needed to tell her that my personal life might impact my professional life this semester. I needed to tell her that grief comes in waves, and I never know when it will hit me, and that I might need to duck in the closet and let some tears fall. Come to think of it, I should probably just keep a box of Kleenex in there all the time ;)

I needed to tell her that I'm not sure how my work ethic might change, and how my professional standards for myself are not as high as they used to be once upon a time. Its just like, I sweated the small stuff before, right? I mean, I was the OVER ACHIEVER, SMALLEST DETAIL, NOTES, ORGANIZED, PLAN AHEAD, HAVE BACK UPS kind a teacher before. Now? I'm just not so sure. I mean, I will still have "good standards" as compared to everyone else. I won't use Evan as an excuse to slack off. Never! But I could see myself just not maintaining that same level of standards that I would have had before all this.

I also needed to tell her that I could need her to step in at any moment if I am up there teaching, and I see something that reminds me of Evan, and I cry, and I need to step away.

She was so supportive! God Bless her for that. I remember months ago and even a couple weeks ago really hoping/praying for the perfect teacher, a teacher who would understand my situation. A COMPASSIONATE teacher. A UNDERSTANDING teacher. A FLEXIBLE teacher. She is all those things and more. Thank you God for the divinely matched teacher and student.

I did wonder though, as all elementary students are so probing and questioning and curious, what do I say when they ask me (because it's inevitable they will) how many brothers and sisters I have? The question alone will make me cry, I don't even know where to begin in my response....just another one of those things...