What Not To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

To follow up with the last post, I thought I would provide a list of things NOT to say to someone who is dealing with the loss of a loved one. These also came from hopeforthebrokenhearted.com. As someone who has grieved, I can say that I can relate extremely well to these comments and how they can easily be taken the wrong way even when the intent was not to harm.

COMMENTS TO AVOID WHEN COMFORTING THE GRIEVING

"I know how you feel"

One can never know how another may feel. You may have a similar loss but it does not relate to the uniqueness of the individual relationship. An example...two people may have both lost their mothers, but one had a good relationship, the other an abusive relationship...they will feel very differently about losing their mother.  Also, comparing your dog dying to someone losing their grandmother is not the same at all!!! You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels. If you have experienced the same type of loss  (i.e, loss of  a child/parent/spouse) feel free to share some of your feelings/insights. It may make the grieving person feel understood and less alone in their grief, but keep in mind, their approach to their grief may be different than yours. If they start talking, don't change the subject, listen while they share. Commenting is not always necessary. What they want most is to share and be heard.

"Time heals all wounds." 

This isn't true...time just passes... it's the action steps you take while the time is passing that determines how you move forward with healing... We all know people who many years after a loss are still grieving...if time alone healed, then everyone would be healed after a certain amount of time had passed and we know that just isn't the case.

"Stop crying; you’re only making it worse.” 

Expressing emotions, even strongly if so inclined, is a natural, normal, and healthy reaction to death and loss. To try to bottle up emotions that you feel for the sake of others, will only cause resentment and prolong a person's grief.

“You should let your emotions out or you’ll feel worse later.” 

It’s also normal for some people to not cry; not showing outward emotions doesn't mean the
person is grieving less. We all grieve differently.                                                                                   

“At least he’s not suffering anymore.” "At least he died happy," "At least it was quick"

These are all remarks that, while true, avoid one simple thing..... they don't address the fact that the person you're talking to is in pain!  Regardless of the circumstances of the death, the bereaved person is still suffering and must grieve. 

"Be Strong"   

Such statements imply that it’s wrong to feel grief, Grief is the normal and natural response to loss. God created us to grieve. It is necessary to our healing. People need to fully express their grief before they can heal. Telling someone to pull herself together quickly isn't helpful

Everything happens for a reason.                                                                                                          

When you lose someone you love, it’s difficult to agree that his death was part of some grand plan. We have to be careful not to make assumptions, as everyone reacts differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss and available support, Skip clichés like this and instead give the mourner some space to find their own answers.

“It’s been [six months, one year, etc.]; it’s time to move on.”                                                                

People never "get over", or "move on"  from losing a loved one. You just learn to live with the loss. Our relationship doesn't end just because they are no longer physically present with us. They will always be our parent/spouse/child etc...We will always love them and our lives will never be the same once we have lost someone we love...things won't go "back to normal."...there is a new normal you now live in...a life without a loved one in it. I use the example of someone who has lost a limb to amputation. You can go on and live a full and productive life after you have learned to adapt to your loss. You physically heal, and get to the point where you no longer have physical pain and learn to cope and function with that part that is missing...but you are always aware that part of you is missing, even though you have healed.  Setting a deadline for mourning is insensitive and does little to help people learn to live through their loss. A person should also understand that grief can rise up on birthdays and holidays and from other reminders. 

“God must have wanted or needed her.” 

No mortal can purport to know God’s purpose.                                                                                            

“At least he was old enough to live a full life.”                                                                                         

How old is old “enough?”  Some people think when someone lives to a ripe old age, there’s no cause for grieving when they pass away. But “the mourner is likely thinking, ‘However long I had my loved one wasn't long enough. Gratitude for that long life will come later, but in the beginning, there’s only the agony of loss.                                                                                                                                                    

“Don’t dwell on it.”                                                                                                                                       

It’s normal and natural — as well as helpful — to talk about the person who died. Don't think that if you mention the name of their loved one that you will remind the grieving person of their loss or pain. They are thinking about their loved one constantly whether you mention them or not. Do make a point of using their loved ones name rather than avoiding it. To not mention their name is one of the most painful things for a grieving person. 

"Just let it go",  or "Just let go and let God"                                                                                            

These terms don't apply to death and loss. We can't let go of  the memory of someone whom we have loved. They were part of our lives and we will always carry those memories with us. We can as part of the grieving/healing process, learn to let go of our pain and move forward from it with God's help. We can learn to accept the things we can't change, but grieving must take place before we can do such things. 

 "It's part of God's plan," "It was God's Will" 

These phrases can make people angry. Their grief can cause them to see this as something to be angry at God for. These cliches attempt to minimize or explain the death and the death may raise serious questions about God's role in the this event for the griever. Do not presume to offer answers. It may not reflect what the grieving person is feeling at the moment. It's not our place to make a judgment about the death. All they see is pain right now, not how this can be used for good (Romans 8:28) ... especially if they do not have a particularly strong faith or if they prayed believing God was going to make everything okay and it didn't happen.

"Look at what you have to be thankful for."                                                                                               

They know they have things to be thankful for. Grieving is a natural response to loss and it it must take place for a person to heal. A person can grieve and still be thankful for all the good things in their life.

"Get on your knees", "Just pray about it" "Just have faith"                                                                          

To grieve does not mean a person does not have faith. Jesus was known as a "man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief." Jesus wept. God says He is near to the brokenhearted and promises to bind their wounds. The Bible says there is a time to weep...to say that someone lacks faith because they grieve, is un-scriptural and is damaging. We can encourage the grieving to look to God for comfort and strength, but we must say things with compassion...not preaching...a griever's brain is usually, tired, numb, overwhelmed, low on endorphin's and serotonin, which makes their processing diminished and their tolerance threshold diminished as well. Kindness and compassion should be the overwhelming things that you convey to someone that is grieving.

"He's in a better place now."  "They are in heaven now, you shouldn't be sad"                                        

Yes, this is true. But any parent who has lost a child can tell you that they would like to hold their child now. To enjoy them now, and watch them grow up, now. They know where their child is, but for right now, it’s so hard to be glad about it. When someone who is grieving hears that, they think, ‘a better place for my loved one is here, so why should I agree he should be elsewhere?’ 

"This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life."                                                                         

The loss of a loved one will "never be behind you"...it's something you just learn to live with and will always carry with you to some extent. Sometimes the grieving are resistant to getting on with their life after a period of time, because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one, or they might feel guilty for enjoying life while their loved one was not given that same opportunity. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace. Everyone grieves differently and if there are multiple losses at one time, there is more to grieve and adapt to. Also, if a person has not dealt with previous losses, they will be dealing with those at the same time as their current loss. 

Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will."                                                                           

These statements sound to authoritative. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about  . . ." or "You might. . ." Don't be judgmental bout the things a grieving person says or does. They may choose to grieve in ways that you wouldn't...and unless you have experienced a similar loss, you really don't know how you would react in the same situation. Decisions a griever makes about things like displaying or removing photos, reliving the death, idealizing the loved one, expressing anger or guilt may appear extreme to you, but these patterns of behavior can be perfectly normal following a person's death.

Don't try to find just the right words that will take away the pain.  Especially when the loss is new, nothing you say (or do) will lessen their pain.  Just be there and say "I don't know what to say... I can't begin to know how you are feeling, but I just want you to know that I love you and I care and I am praying for you." 

And to add one of my own: "don't let yourself go there". 

We cannot choose when a wave of grief will hit. Trust me, I don't want to cry in the middle of work or in front of my friends. But that is out of my control- I don't decide when I get sad and therefore cannot control "if I go there or not". The tide of grief is too strong. Just understanding that and empathizing with me will help when that moment comes.

- See more at: http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-is-grieving/#sthash.dwAFEn8r.dpuf

How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving

A little excerpt I found on hopeforthebrokenhearted.com. Some very good advice here if you are wanting tangible ways to help others who are grieving.

HOW TO HELP OTHERS

Almost everyone worries about what to say to people who are grieving. But knowing how to listen is much more important. You don't have to fill up periods of silence with words that you feel might rationalize their loss. Let them express what they are feeling whether it's anger, if they have questions, the pain, disbelief, or any guilt they may be experiencing. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person. However, the grieving need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it's not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won't be forgotten.

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it's important to let the griever know they have permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don't steer away from the subject if the deceased's name comes up. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions – without being nosy – that invites the grieving person to openly express his or her feelings. Try simply asking, "Do you feel like talking?"

• Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it's okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don't try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn't feel. The griever should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism. Remember, everyone grieves differently...on different time tables and everyone's grief and experiences are unique.
• Be willing to sit in silence. Don't press if the grieving person doesn't feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. All that is necessary is a squeeze of the hand, a kiss, a hug, your presence. If you want to say something, say, "I'm sorry" or "I care".
• Let the griever talk about how their loved one died or their story of loss. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is usually, a way of processing and accepting their new reality.
• Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the griever that what they're feeling is okay. If you've gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don't give unsolicited advice, claim to "know" what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs. I have heard of people telling someone, "I know how you feel losing your grandmother, my cat just died." Yes, they are both losses, but hardly the same and this definitely, will not make a grieving person feel better!
• Don't be afraid to cry openly if you were close to the deceased. Often the grieving find themselves comforting you, but at the same time they understand your tears and don't feel so alone in their grief. When there is a divorce, it not only affects the immediate family, but also friends and extended family. There is a ripple effect in the loss and many may be grieving a loss associated with a divorce.
• The griever may ask "WHY?" It is often a cry of pain rather than a question. It is not necessary to answer, but if you do, you may reply "I don't know why." It's better to not say anything that to give pat, cliche answers!
• Recognize that the griever may be angry. They may be angry at God, the person who died, the person that left, the clergy, doctors, rescue teams, other family members, etc. Encourage them to acknowledge their anger and to find healthy ways of handling it.
• Be aware that a grieving person's self-esteem may be very low.
• When someone feels guilt and is filled with "if onlys", it is not helpful to say, "Don't feel guilt." This only adds to their negative view of themselves. They would handle it better if they could. One response could be, "I don't think that you are guilty. You did the best you could at the time, but don't push down your feelings of guilt. Talk about it until you can let it go.
• Depression is often part of grief. It is a scary feeling. To be able to talk things over with an understanding friend or loved one is one factor that may help prevent a person from becoming severely depressed
• Give special attention to the children in the family. DO NOT tell them not to cry or not to upset the adults.
• Be aware of the physical reactions to the death or divorce or loss (lack of appetite, sleeplessness, headaches, inability to concentrate). These affect the person's coping ability, energy and recovery.
• Be aware that weekends, holidays and evenings may be more difficult.
• Consider sending a note at the time of their loved one's birthday, anniversary, death, or other special day, if it is for someone that has experienced death. (For a divorced person, their wedding anniversary, the day the divorce is final, the day their spouse left may be hard days). Better yet, take them out and do something with them on these dates. To be alone on these days can be overwhelming. To be included with others on Father's Day, Christmas etc., helps them to feel not so isolated. If the griever is now a single parent, help the children get them presents for Mother's Day/Father's Day/Christmas. A person misses those things and it makes the children happy to be able to give gifts to their parent. Another date you might consider remembering someone dealing with loss, is on Valentine's Day. This can be an incredibly depressing, lonely day as a person becomes acutely aware of their loss and how they are now alone.
• Don't avoid the griever. This adds to their loss. As the widowed often say, "I not only lost my spouse, but my friend as well." Many people have told me how their grief has been compounded by people staying away, simply because they did not know what to say to the griever. Also, don't assume that they are being taken care of by others and you will be just in the way or imposing. Usually, after a number of months pass, the support dwindles. Email, cards, letters, phone messages, charitable donations are appropriate ways to let the the person know you are thinking of them. 
• If a family is having to move as a result of their loss, go and help them pack, clean, move, prepare their new place etc. Go with them on moving day. Help them unpack and organize their new place. I can tell you from experience, when you are forced to move and it is not of your choosing, it is incredibly depressing. That first night in our new place, my son and I both cried ourselves to sleep. The fact that we moved to a fixer upper did not help. We looked around us and felt our loss and missed our beautiful home we had moved from. If you know someone is moving into a fixer upper, get a team together and go in and help the family in need. A move and fixing things up is difficult by itself. To do it while you are depressed and grieving just makes the task that much more difficult and overwhelming.
• CHECK IN with the griever. It helps immensely to the griever to let them know that you are thinking of them and wondering how they are doing, what you can do to help, and just letting them know you care.

WAYS TO SUPPORT GRIEVERS DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Not only are they trying to cope with intense feelings of grief, but they are also struggling with the stress and pressure of the holiday season. They might be struggling with depression if their financial situation has changed drastically from their previous holidays and they are unable to provide for their children.

1. Write a note in your holiday card recognizing the holidays will be difficult without their loved one this year. Just this simple acknowledgment provides support. Others may be telling the griever to get on with their life, or suggesting that since it's the holidays, they can't be depressed. Recognizing the loss is validating and validation provides support.

2. Support the choices the griever is making in regard to changing holiday tradition. Many people find it too painful to participate in certain parts of the holiday ritual. Making changes in how they will celebrate allows them to honor the holiday and celebrate it in a way that does not feel like salt is being rubbed in their wound. It can be hard to go to family functions when every one is joyful and happy when that is not how they are feeling. It also might be stressful if there are gift exchanges and they are not able to participate in that in the way they once were. They might be feeling their losses in many different ways.

3. Send a gift in honor of the loved one the family is grieving. A remembrance album or a memorial garden kit are two thoughtful suggestions. A gift in honor of the deceased provides family and friends with a comfortable setting to reminisce and honor the memories of their loved one.

4. Be available to listen. So many grieving people need the opportunity to talk as well as be heard. If you are a good listener you have an excellent gift to share with a grieving person 

5. Offer to go with the griever to holiday functions. Having someone available to talk to or make faces at across the room can make many holiday gatherings easier. Remember to be available to leave early if the grieving person finds she just can't take any more and needs to leave.

6. Our first Christmas alone, my son, who was eleven at the time, said to me "Mom, I don't care if I don't get any presents, I just want people to come to our house and it be like Christmas here." We were used to having people over during the holidays and it being a festive time. We were now living far from our friends and family with no kids in our new neighborhood. We had not been in our new location long enough to have made new friends. It broke my heart when my son said these words. Members from my mother's church, made an hour drive to come bring my son presents, to sing us Christmas carols and to share Christmas cookies with us. Another friend, who doesn't even normally celebrate Christmas, came and spent Christmas Eve with us so that my son would have someone to share Christmas morning with. I will forever be grateful for these acts of kindness!! Please take time out of your busy schedule during the holidays to think of families that have been affected by loss and see what you can do to make their holidays brighter and less lonely as they feel their loss in multiple ways.

- See more at: http://hopeforthebrokenhearted.com/how-to-help-others/#sthash.8IFhZ195.dpuf