Tears

Im exhausted, but cant sleep.

I may have had my biggest cry yet just now.

I mean, not just crying. Not just whimpers, not even sobbing. I mean, wailing, moaning, groaning that comes from the inner most parts of my heart broken, shattered and shred to pieces soul.

I scared my dog and confused the heck out of my husband.

It did just happen in the middle ofthe night after all.

This week has been so bad. My dad says he has his worst grief in the mornings, but for me, it is by far amd away worse at night. After my house is asleep,when i am reading my book. Then out of my own control, i cant stop thinking about them. They come to visit me in my mind. The haunt me. I am being forced to think about them and cant stop. They are on my mind and wont go away until i break down into tears. Then i am so exhausted by the time i cry it out that i am empty vast and void, emotion and feelings are wiped clear and i am just....there. Then i fall asleep.

Tonight was the worst bc it was the first time i mourned for not just my brother, but my grandpa as well. That was a double whammy.

Lets see if i can somehow manage sleep now.

 Good night world. Good night evan. Good night grandpa. May your spirits leave me in peace.