friendship.

So…I want to write about friendship. I'm sort of struggling with friendship right now. I don't know what it is that makes me think this, but I sometimes question myself as a friend. I have serious doubts about if I'm a good friend or not. I have confidence issues because I think in the past, and merging in towards the present, I've had very confusing friendships that I thought were the bomb.com only to have them fizzle out completely. And to no avail, I can't figure out why.

Here's where the confidence issues come into play. I become so self obsessed and try to rethink every little detail that might have gone wrong in the relationship to try to have some sort of explanation as to what has happened…was I too over-bearing or did I not care enough? Was I too annoying or too aloof? Was I too selfish or too caring? Was I too fake or too honest? If I'm being honest with myself…the answer to any of these questions is…I DON'T KNOW.

So I guess why I'm writing this post right now is because I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that this same situation is happening again with some of my friends right now. I'm frustrated that I think it might be a personal issue (me), but then again, it might not. I'm frustrated because I tend to blame myself, when I know I shouldn't. I'm frustrated because one of the life lessons I've learned since losing my brother is not to blame ourselves, not to create stress and havoc where there isn't any. I'm frustrated because I UNDERSTAND and VALUE the relationships in my life, but it seems not everybody else does. And…it seems, these relationships, these friends, well, they are not just casual friends. I mean, I really value these friendships. I really appreciated the relationships I had with these people. I don't WANT to lose their friendship. I NEED their friendship. Their friendship has helped me so much get through so much shit in the last year, year and a half. I can't even begin to explain how much their friendship means to me.

Now, I realize that to some people, that last paragraph could be enough just in and of itself to completely shy away from me. Like they are in over their head in this friendship. Like that is not what they signed up for. Like, oh, I can't be that invested in this friendship because I don't have the time, the patience, the commitment, whatever.

I'm sorry, but if you know me at all, you know what you signed up for. You know I need friends. Good friends. Friends that will be there for me, and that I will be there for you, through thick and thin. See…I don't do superficial friendships anymore. I don't have the emotional capacity for fake friendships anymore. I've been through too much, learned too much, and value MY LIFE TOO MUCH for superficialness like that.

If you don't like what our friendship has become, then fine. Back off, cool off, peace out, whatever. If you can't handle it, fine. But if you are going to make that decision, can you at least just be honest with yourself AND ME and tell me so instead of playing games? I don't deserve that. I'll let you "go", but don't waste my time, my emotions, my sake of mind just because you don't feel the same way. Because, let me tell you this. I've learned to FIGHT for my friendships. I've learned to grab ahold of friends I hold dear and try with all my might to never let them go. And I WILL do that- IF the feeling is mutual. So it if isn't, then tell me so…and I'll let you go. Friendship is a two way street!

That way, I can at least focus on the people that ARE IN, thick or thin. The people that aren't scared of valuable relationships. The people that are selfless, caring, and willing to be there. For the fun stuff and the real stuff. I guess I should take a quick moment to thank the friends that I DO have in my life that ARE this way. Thank you, dear friends, for being in for the long haul, no matter how deep shit gets!! You know who you are!

So I'm not sure if I'm exasperated, angry, wise, or taking the high road. Or maybe all of the above. But I've come to realize that in order to make it in this world, I've got to surround myself with people that love me for who I am, and anyone who does less than that doesn't have a place in my life. You could say, if you want to be my friend, at this point in my life, its pretty much all or none.

I think that where I go from here is to employ my brother's Design Your Mind philosophy. I'm not going to agonize over friendships lost, or over friendships potentially being lost right now. I'm not going to whine and cry for long. I got it off my chest. From here, I'm going to try to DYM, equip myself with a positive mind, to focus on the good that I do have, the blessings I have, rather than what I might be losing. Sometimes I just have to remember…"it is what it is". In the end, that saves me so much drama and stress. So know that I welcome valuable friendships, friendships that are real and have mutual feelings, and that I will fight for those friendships for a time. But also know that I'm not going to grovel at your feet for the rest of my life to try to save something that isn't worth saving if the feeling isn't a mutual feeling in the first place.