Little Things

Little things in life are unnerving me. Little random things that wouldn't phase most people, unless they've lost a loved one too.

Like yesterday. I was in the shower rocking out to those old 80's rock songs, and Knockin on Heaven's Door came on (the Guns N Roses version). I mean, how many times had I heard that song before? Sang right along? But when it came on this time, I just stood there, contemplating those lyrics and how much they applied to my brother. I just stood there crying in the shower.

See, I have this philosophy he was knocking on heavens door his whole life, well, maybe more like, God was trying to take him Home his whole life, because he had had MANY other close calls, but he made it 21 years in this life before he went home. In those three minutes he lay lying on the roadside, he was knocking on heavens door. I couldn't help but visualize the whole thing when this song came on.

Another little thing happened. I was watching Deadliest Catch (i know i know) and this one fisherman died from...what else...but...head trauma. A cable line snapped in two and went reeling into his head. He was dead within 10 minutes. Evan was brain dead with 3 minutes of hitting that damn pavement. I was sobbing, tears STREAMING down my face. This guy died from the same injury my brother did. And both died WAY to quickly, no chance to say goodbyes, for last loving parting words, no chance for rescue to come. It was too late.

For how long will these little things bother me? Will I ever be able to handle them again without breaking down?

I imagine myself in a bar 10 years from now, out with girlfriends for a night out on the town, and all of a sudden one of Evan's songs come on. Will I drop everything and run? Will I cry there or hide in the restroom? Will I even notice at all?

I guess only time will tell...