I'm realizing that hanging out with others is not necessarily beneficial to my recovery. Maybe theres a fine line to it. But this weekend I went from hanging out with one crowd to the next the whole time. I was around people constantly.
In the end, though, I only ended up hurting even more.
Like I was so busy I couldn't let myself process my grief. I held it at bay, because of:
the elephant in the room
I didn't want to "go there"
time limitations
social conventions
{just to name a few}
People don't like talking about death, you know? So I can't talk about it but its still there.
Holding these feelings at bay, days on end is NOT healthy, and in the end its more painful than just letting it out as it comes.
So what if I cause awkwardness?
Its MYSELF and MY recovery I have to deal with.
For the first time in my life I get to, no, NEED to, put myself first.
So if that means crying in my friends bathroom at their house or crying myself to sleep at night, then I'm going to.
Because in the end that is better than never identifying those feelings in the first place.
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