People have no idea

Hello blog world.

Okay, so...lets talk my new job. After close to exactly 4 years of searching for a teaching job, I finally got hired as a Title 1 teacher in a local school where I live. It really worked out perfectly. I got hired for a position that I originally went back to school to teach: Title 1. Title 1 is a federally funded position, not a state paid position. Low income schools get grants to teach at-risk reading and math students. It is an intensive, last resort intervention before they are up for special ed screening. I provide that last resort instruction for them- I teach small groups of reading and math in 30 minute sessions. I currently teach 3-5th grade and am LOVING it! Finally, it all worked out!

okay, what does that do with my blog? well...its completely a new school system than the one I had been working at. I had been working in the same school system for ... {pause for mental math}... 3 and a half years. Needless to say, I had built up friendships and connections over the years, so they knew all my family history when this all went down in May.

I got hired at this new job in a neighboring school system in December. Started in Jan. My new school? THEY. KNOW. NOTHIN'

note: (with the exception of my Title team, because I felt they needed to know, with how close we all work together...but the rest of the building and teachers? nada.)

they know NOTHING about my history. They know NOTHING about the HELL I've been through the last year. They know NOTHING about my family, my loss, my brother, myself. They know NOTHING about how I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night, or how I miss my brother so much it physically hurts in my chest, or how my longing literally takes my breath away. They know NOTHING about how my parents are coping with the loss of their son, how they go by day to day, with a pain so hard to bear that it would crush the strongest of men. They know NOTHING of how much pain it brought to my sister, so much that she had to move across country to be with her family again, because she was alone, out across the country, and not with us, when she needed it most. They know NOTHING of the fights me and my husband have had, words exchanged with each other, words we wish we wouldn't of said, yet words we knew were healing in the end, all in the name of anguish and grief...

They
know
nothing.

I don't know how I feel about that. Its really kind of an odd feeling. I mean, NO ONE knows NOTHING about my personal tragedy this last year. In a way, its sort of freeing. HERE I AM, NEW SCHOOL! I'M HERE TO TAKE ON THE WORLD! NOTHING'S STOPPING ME!

or {depending on the day}:

here i am new school
i'm falling apart today
i can't function
because i've got so many emotions
and you know nothing
and i've got no one to confide in
in my moment of despair
so
i'm on
my own

Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions. but that's the life of a person who's dealing with grief. as forrest gump said: "life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you are going to get."

a grieving persons life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what kind of emotions you are going to get, when you'll get them, or where. you just gotta....

go...

on.

To remain: I know the secret will get out...eventually. Because, let's face it, it's inevitable. But I'm curious as to who it will be too, what will bring it up, and when it will happen. Also...will I cry? Or will time help solidify my emotions when that dreadful subject will come up?

__________________________________


I miss you. Do you realize how often I think about you still? Do you realize how ingrained in every facet of my life you are? Do you hear my prayers at night? To keep us safe, and protected?
Do you watch me,
think of me,
miss me?

'Cause I sure do...