Potpourri

I'm titling this post "Potpourri" because it is a smorgasbord of topics. The thing with blogging is, it does take time. I can't always run to my computer when I have a thought I want to share, so these thoughts build and build. Hence, a long post and a random one at that. Oh well! Its for my benefit, right? Not the readers, so bear with me!

First up: Visitations. 

I feel like like I am struggling when it comes to Evan visiting me. Countless people have told me, "Evan came to me in a dream last night" or "I saw Evan yesterday". Even "I heard Evan talking to me". I have had none of those experiences. WHY? I am not angry, I am not upset, but I am wondering why I haven't not yet seen or heard my brother after three months of being gone. And will I ever? I know he's out there, I know he is watching us and is with us, but he has never explicitly come to me and made him known.

I will say this, however. I do FEEL him at night. I FEEL his presence in our house, and its not a pinpointed, human form presence. Its more of an all encompassing presence that is floating in the air, blanketing our home with peacefulness and watchfulness. Its only at night I feel him, and most often its when I am still awake and my pets and hubby are sleeping. I look for him (sometimes, though most often I am kind of freaked out still) but never see him. I do feel him often though. And while its comforting to know he's there, I cannot help but yearn for more.

I want him to talk to me again, I want to see him in his beautiful perfect angel form, to see that he is physically okay, and to see that he is emotionally happy, satisfied, and content. This should be understandable to anyone who has lost a loved one, but I think its for me even more because I did not have a chance to say goodbye to him. It was a sudden loss, and it was physically disruptive as well. I want to see him again in his perfect angelic form, to seek that closure I never had. To see that he's okay, and to give him, face to face, my goodbye's that are so long overdue. When I said goodbye to him in the hospital, it was to his spirit, not his body. His body was still alive because of harvesting for organ donations, but his spirit and mind were gone. It's so hard to explain, but I suppose I don't have to try to explain it to anybody but myself :)

Second: Skeletons in the closet.

I know this is a public blog, and I chose to make it publicly available when I first advertised it on Facebook. But I have to tell you, there are some secrets hiding in the midst of our family. So many people are clueless about everything thats happened, all the additional details in his death and subsequent months following it. I am only talking about this for MY sake, NOT yours. I am NOT putting this out there to satisfy the needs of those greedy gossips, who only care for the juicy details and not at all for the wonderful person of who Evan was. I am not putting this out there for the two faced people who are so immature and stuck in the drama of it all that they they can't even see the big picture, that they only think about themselves and not Evan or his family, us. I am putting it out there for MY healing and my healing only. And PLEASE NOTE: don't you dare ask me "What? What secrets?" because if you do, you will automatically be entered into my book of scorn and shame and I will forever cast you into the lot of the people above whom I just mentioned. I will immediately remove you from my circle of trustworthy friends and forever lose respect for you. So there ;)

The fact is, I can't continue to heal unless I get some things off my chest. I may offend some people, I may upset some people by my revelations, but I need to do what I know is best for me. I can't continue to heal while at the same time hiding these secrets in the deaths of my soul, while they are literally eating away at my conscience and body. The term "get it off my chest" will definitely apply here. After all, I started this blog for me. The tagline is "seeking hope and healing" isn't it? Than so be it. I will not be delving into any secrets today, but I may or may not in the future. Consider it a disclaimer if you will. All I know is that I am not dealing only with grieving my brother. I am dealing with so much more family drama on top of it all that any other person dealing with just the drama would be screwed up, much less actually losing a brother on top of it. It was just...one more....damn thing....after another...that its a miracle my family even survived this summer without entering mental institutions! So I may need to talk about it, but this is my online journal, so get used to it :)

Third: Heaven

So a couple weeks after my brothers passing (and note, I will rarely use the word "death"), I read the book "Heaven is For Real". For those of you who don't know what it's about, its about a 4 year old boy who visits heaven while he is in a near death experience here on earth. He is there for a while, but only gone from this earth for about three minutes. This book chronicles his experiences in heaven. I always take everything with a grain of salt, but I like how the book has backups and proof of what the boy saw and learned. Its not just his account, but his account as judged against past family events, members, common knowledge, and biblical truth. So I finally picked it up and read it. Ironically, it had been sitting on our bookshelf for over a year, given to us by my sister in law, who said it was a really great read, and that when we were done, we were to pass it along to someone else. Funny that book sat there for so long, and it finally took my losing my brother to open it up. And boy, am I sure glad I did. I thought I'd slowly read it over the course of a few days, but I ended up reading it all in two hours. Of course, the academic in me simply can't read a book without taking notes over it, so I did. I didn't highlight parts in it because I knew I wanted to pass it along, and believe me, that was hard. I'm a highlighting fiend :) But I did take notes in the back. How could I not?

You see, I was searching for answers, big time. Answers as to where Evan was, what it was like there, and was he happy. I was not into religious answers, or fluffy overused cliches of heaven. I was into concrete details, how they could be applied to the person Evan is, and how heaven relates personally to Evan. Needless to say, I found what I needed. I do believe there are several tear drop stains in several parts of the book. Here are my findings, as related to Evan, in bullet point form:

• NOTES on simple components of Heaven:
• There are angels singing. (Evan always had a lovely voice, even though he didn't think so)
• The boy went "up and out of my body" he said. He was watching everybody do everything from "up there". This is what I have always thought about angels and spirits in heaven- that there are omniscient and omnipresent. So its true, Evan is with us at all times and can see everything we do. That also means he was in the hospital room with us as we spent our last few hours with him. His body was still there, but his spirit was already separated from his body. I feel that because of the nature of his injury, because he was pronounced "braindead" that his spirit left his body almost immediately. That is just my belief, and perhaps I'll delve into that more deeply in the future. Fact is, he was with us in that room and he is with us now.
• Heaven is full of colors; some colors we've never seen with our own human eyes even! Millions and millions of colors! As an artist, Evan had an appreciation of color, and as a meditative person as well. He would love this component of heaven.
• Everyone is in human form in heaven. Now, this contrasts with some other books I've read that state everyone is in pure energy form, but this is more comforting to me, right now, so that's what I'll choose to believe for the moment. :) Jesus, angels, and our loved ones are all in human form and are able to physically touch each other. Hugs all around!
• Everyone has wings, of differing sizes. Not just the angels. I wonder how big Evan's are :) Do guardian angels have bigger wings? because if so, then he would. I know in my heart he is someone's guardian angel right now. He was a protector life, and he will be a protector in his after-life, of that I'm sure.
• People meet and reunite in heaven; they recognize each other even if they've never met in real life. Not only that, these loved ones are the first ones to greet Evan as he enters heaven. So Evan was greeted by his Grandmother Dorothy (whom he never met), Grandpa Jim (whom he hadn't seen since he was 8!), friends of loved ones, and who knows? Maybe even closer relatives to him than that. In turn, I like to think that Evan was with Grandma Dorothy when greeting my Grandpa Scott in heaven, who passed just 9 weeks after my brother. With a big lopsided smile on his face, saying to Grandpa, "let me show you around".
• There is nature in heaven. Animals, flowers, trees, COLOR. Evan was big into nature, although he loved the cities too, but it was recently made aware of how much he was awe-inspired by nature though his trip to the Redwood Forest in California in the spring and his recent commitment to ensuring animal rights through practicing veganism. So you've got it, Ev. Nature is protected in heaven, and you can be a part of it!
• No old people in heaven and no imperfections. Everyone is in the prime of their life. My grandpa, I imagine will be in his 40's or so, young enough to still hop around the tennis courts but old enough to still have all his wisdom gained. My brother, who was as old as he would ever get, at age 21, I imagine is still 21, but all his injuries sustained in the car accident are gone. He is in perfect form, and even his skin might be flawless lol. You don't have to worry about anymore pimples, Ev. I hope he still has that wild unkempt hair though! :)

I have only written simple notes on heaven. For this post, which I feel is long enough, I will leave it at that. Perhaps my next post will contain the real nitty gritty of what I pulled from the book- my reflections and revelations of Heaven and as it relates to Evan's passing. You'll see :) 

I want to leave you with the picture of Evan gazing up at the immense redwoods in CA. You can see from his body language just how inspired he was by the beauty of the nature around him. 

I would say "rest in peace" brother, but Evan was never a very restful person, was he? He's probably too busy exploring heaven or visiting with others here to rest much :)